


THE BIG C

by Marce



Series: Consequences [1]
Category: Hawaii Five-0 (2010)
Genre: Angst with a Happy Ending, Bromance, Family Bonding, Gen, Hurt/Comfort, Reconciliation, Sick Steve
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2018-10-06
Updated: 2018-10-06
Packaged: 2019-07-27 10:58:32
Rating: Mature
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 11
Words: 28,701
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/16217618
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/Marce/pseuds/Marce
Summary: "All our actions have consequences, Danno. This is just one of them. I'd like to tell you that I don't regret the decisions I made during my time with the SEAL Team or leading Five-0, and that I would do everything again without hesitation, but I'd lie to you ... The truth is I'm scared."





	1. Spiral Fall

**Author's Note:**

> Welcome to my new story. I really hope you enjoy it. I have reviewed it several times, but please excuse the grammar or spelling errors that may still exist. All constructive criticisms are welcome.
> 
> It's a story that has been spinning in my head for several days. Thank you very much for reading.
> 
> Disclaimer: All the characters and situations inherent in the Hawaii five-0 TV show are owned by its creators and CBS. They are taken back for entertainment purposes only. No money or goods have been exchanged in the publishing of this story.

THE BIG C

Chapter 1: Spiral Fall

_The dark moonless night surrounds him, the cold of the desert makes his trained muscles shudder for a fraction of a second ... A cold that stings the bones and clogs the mind. The air, dry and sandy, scratches his throat leaving it red hot. Tries to breathe to clarify his ideas; three, five, ten inspirations and again focuses on the mission._

_He makes a quickly inventory of his body. His muscles are numbed by the endless minutes he takes in the same position: Lying on his stomach with his legs slightly apart, on an uncomfortable bed of grass and sharp rocks, that ruthlessly attack his abdomen and thighs, in that inclement mound of red ground. The Barrett M107 rifle leaning on the bipod and pressing firmly on his right shoulder, very close to his chin. His right eye glued to the night vision telescopic sight, which has been focused, for the last 90 minutes, on the small group of houses that hang lazily from that hill more than 950 yards from his position._

_Suddenly, he observes the man who goes out the door of a small house, located at the southern end of the village; he looks at him as he stops by the entrance, for a minute or two, turning his body 360 degrees, to try to detect some imminent danger. Then, the man sits down on the old, rotten trunk of a hazel tree, lights a cigar and begins to exhale slowly small wisps of smoke._

_Carefully, looks through the high resolution monocle, to verify the target's identity. Satisfied, adjusts the distance and calculates the wind speed. "I have the target in sight," he says quietly, closing his eyes for a few seconds and breathing deeply to reduce his heart rate; points and with a deep exhalation, he shoots. The bullet crosses mercilessly the man's head, who falls to the ground a second later "The target has been eliminated ... I repeat, the target has been eliminated"._

Steve opens the eyes and begins to look around to locate himself. After the first seconds, his breathing slows down. He's in his bedroom, in his house. Nervous, slides sideways to sit on the edge of the bed; his palms press firmly his eyes to try to overcome the impending headache that threatens to show up; his clothes stick uncomfortably to his skin covered with sweat. Slowly, moving in the darkness, he reaches the bottle of water that invariably has on his bedside table and drinks all the contents in one swallow.

Takes his cell phone to check the time, 03:30 am. Repressing a curse, he hides his head in his hands. "The same ..." he thinks frustrated. This scene has been repeated almost every night for the last two months. To divert his attention, tries to focus on the breathing of the restless bundle that sleeps at the foot of his bed. He reaches out to meet Eddie's warm hairy skin and scratches the dog's head behind the ears. Eddie, upon feeling the contact, straightens its head to stare at him and trying to discover if there is any reason for alarm, to return to rest on his front legs and close his eyes a minute later.

"Who could be like you, my friend?" He asks softly, thinking about how easily Eddie can go back to sleep. He drops backwards on the bed, resting his head on the pillow and closing his eyes, hoping to follow Eddie's example and sleep, at least a couple of hours.

Danny is behind the wheel of the Camaro. He yawns loudly, while tuning into a radio station that doesn't broadcast depressing news. He has returned from New Jersey last night and has not had a good night's rest. Since he said goodbye to Brooke, a couple of months ago, the scenes have come back to his mind, again and again. The gunshot ... the hospital ... Uncle Vito recognizing the Ray's snapshot on the screen, Brooke throwing the ashes to the wind.

Parks the car in its usual place; The Silverado is already there. Danny watches, through the windshield, the tall figure of Steve, who walks slowly until he disappears through the doors of the Palace. "Every day is the same ..." he sighs.

The diminished Steve's body, still retains the deportment and his characteristic movements, but he has lost some weight and new lines have appeared on his face, as witnesses of what is happening in the recesses of the tormented soul of his friend. Danny thinks that, not long ago, he would have moved heaven, sea, and land to find out what has been bothering Steve over the past few weeks... but not now.

In silence, while drinking his coffee, tries to remember the last conversation between them that was not related to the restaurant, or the last time they both sat on the beach to hang out, while they drank cold beer. Danny knows that the distance between them is, for the most part, his fault, but he cannot help it. It's something like a defense mechanism ... a pretext for not facing reality. He knows that, in the end, he will end up asking and will have to receive, frustrated, the usual response "I'm fine, Danny. There's nothing to worry about".

Then Danny will have to push, take Steve to his limits so the man ends up declaring himself defeated and saying what has been happening.

Debating with himself, he finally leaves the car and walks towards the building, to face the inevitable.

A few minutes later, he pushes the glass door of Five-0's headquarters and walks slowly through the deserted area, slightly lit by the dim morning light that comes in through the windows. Deliberately, he quickly gets into his office, preventing his legs from taking him to the office on the corner, where Steve is sitting with his eyes lost. This has been the situation for weeks. Each one avoiding being alone with the other, trying to delay as much as possible, the moment in which they will finally have to talk.

After gathering courage, Danny gets up and leaves his office, walking to his friend's office, to push the door a few seconds later. "Hey ..." Greets, trying to sound casual. Steve raises his head and Danny can see his emaciated face, the unmistakable dark circles that have become daily and the eyes injected with blood, due to lack of sleep. The man sketches a stiff smile and says "Good morning ..." then, turns to look at the screen of his computer, to avoid holding the inquisitive Danny's look.

The detective gets into his friend's office and collapses on the sofa, breathing loudly. Steve asks him "Rough night? What time did your flight arrive? "

"Damn ten at night! I think I'm getting old." Danny answers. "Those long flights and the endless stops at the noisy, crowded Los Angeles Airport are really affecting me."

"How is your dad?" Steve's voice sounds genuinely concerned.

"The same ... Chemotherapy sessions have not helped much. Only now he's more tired and has less will to continue fighting", Danny tries to hold back the tears accumulating in his eyes. "It's hard... you know?"

"Yeah, I figure..." Steve makes a pause, as he looks at Danny, giving him some time to compose himself "Danny, if you need more time ... to be with him, it's okay. We can talk to the governor and ask for a temporary license."

"No, Steve ... I don't need a damn temporary license! I need to be at home and see my children ... I can't just leave them for a few months. " Inevitably, Danny's tone of voice rises, making him sound more angry and frustrated than he really feels.

Steve's gaze narrows in pain as he notices Danny's anger. Slowly he lowers his head, sighing. That's the way his friend has reacted over the past few months, at Steve's slightest attempt to help him. Silently, Steve decides that the best thing is to end this conversation for now, and turns to look at the screen again, feigning a great interest in the long list of unread emails, which has accumulated over the weekend.

Danny closes his eyes, cursing himself for his overreaction. After calming down, looks at Steve, who, deliberately avoids looking at him. "I'm sorry ... It's just that, seeing Mom suffering from slowly losing the love of her life and my sisters trying to pretend that everything is fine ... it's driving me crazy, buddy. It's killing me! I didn't want to react like that, Steve ... I'm sorry. "

"I understand, Danny," Steve says, without taking his eyes off the computer, "If I can do anything ... whatever, to help you, please just let me know, okay?" Danny can see that Steve's emotional walls are rising inexorably to protect him from his friend's verbal attacks.

"Steve ..." Danny tries to open a gap in those walls "Talk to me, buddy ... I really need to know what is happening, because this silence between us is killing me ..."

"Silence?" Steve finally looks up, "There's no silence, Danny. We're fine." Steve tries to get his voice to reflect a confidence he's far from feeling. "It's just that I'm tired. The trip to Nigeria and the tension for not knowing if I would find Joe alive, really exhausted me ... But I'm fine now."

"You're really a very bad liar, my friend. I know you and I know that you are far from being fine. I just want you to talk to me." Danny has returned to sit on the couch, and looks at Steve, pleading.

"What am I supposed to say to you, Danny?" Now it's Steve who gets up from his chair, but his tone of voice remains impassive. "I talk to you every day ... I really don't know what I'm supposed to tell you." He walks to the door, quickly leaving his office and walking down the hall, muttering a "Good morning" when he meets Lou who, at that moment, leaves the elevator. Two seconds later, the bathroom doors close behind him.

After numerous arcades, he sits on the cold white tile floor, waiting for his legs to recover their strength and nausea to disappear. Huge drops of sweat dot his face and his hands tremble uncontrollably.

The bathroom door opens, and Danny gets in, blocking the lock behind him. Looks around and find Steve shaking, sitting on the floor with his back against the wall and breathing hard. Alarmed, he takes a couple of paper towels and leans to wipe the sweat from his friend's face.

"I'm fine ..." Steve whispers, anticipating the questions that crowd Danny's mouth, fighting to get out.

"Yes, of course you are." Danny gives up his tirade and sits down on the floor next to Steve, summing up all of his concern in one question, "Are you going to tell me now what's going on?

"I'm fine, Danny. It's just that the episodes of dizziness and nausea came back, and I'll have to take those horrible pills again. "

"Have you go to see the doctor?" Danny looks inquisitiveness at Steve, tries to figure out if his friend is lying to minimize the truth. Steve nods silently. Danny tries again asking, "And?"

Steve denies with his head and shrugs but says nothing. Danny insists, "You know, you'll end up telling me Steve, why don't we save all the conversation in ping-pong, from you not wanting to say anything and from me insisting until you say it?"

"You have too many things to think about right now, Danny." At that moment, Danny notices that Steve has not used his nickname even once. Things must be terribly wrong, Steve ends, "You don't need to add anything else to that list."

"You're not something else on the list, Steve." Danny puts his hands on Steve's shoulders and say, "I need to know what's going on. "

Slowly, Steve takes a crumpled envelope from the back pocket of his pants, opens it and takes out a sheet of paper, handing it to Danny, who takes it and begins to read. As his eyes move along the text, his face pales and he feels panic begin to tighten his throat.


	2. One step at a time

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> This chapter contains medical terms. I have received help from a doctor, but keep in mind that I'm not a doctor. Please excuse the inaccuracies that, in that sense, there may be.
> 
> Thanks to my amazing beta, Hugo, for your patience and your ideas.

**THE BIG C**

**Chapter 2: One step at a time**

"I'm sorry ..." Danny says stunned, as he interrupts the reading. "I don't understand all this medical stuff. What does  _Differentiated hyperplastic nodules and adenomas_  mean? Do you want to tell me what the hell is going on?"

Steve sighs, moving the paper towels to dry the sweat on his forehead, a few seconds later he says, "A week ago, while shaving, I noticed a bulge in the neck, right under the Adam's apple. For a few days, I had felt stiffness and inflammation in the neck, but I thought it was simply the fatigue accumulated by the case and the drug raid. The headaches and nausea had returned, but I didn't worry too much. "

"Sure ... That's so much like you, Steven. Why the hell would you worry?" Danny doesn't want to raise his voice, but at this moment he feels the panic take over.

Steve shakes his head and breathes deeply, trying to avoid the new wave of nausea, "Whatever ... The point is I went to see doctor Heenalu... and he ordered a series of blood tests and an ultrasound scan." Again, he pauses to breathe and continues, "The result is in the sheet you have in your hands".

"What does that mean, Steven?" Danny asks, feeling that he loses his patience in the face of his friend's evasive attitude.

"It's a tumor, Danny ... It's that simple. The doctor says it's a group of thyroid nodules and enlargements... "

Suddenly Danny is afraid to ask, "Is it cancer? ... "

"The doctor told me, on the phone, there is no way to know it this is a cancerous tumor, until after the surgery, when a full pathology analysis will be done," Steve starts to move and says "Hey, listen man... do we really need to have this conversation right here and right now? I'm getting numb."

Steve makes an attempt to get up, but soon regrets, due to new nausea and dizziness. "I think... I could need a hand here, Danny." Quickly, Danny gets up on his knees and begins to help Steve to get up, grabbing him by the arms and forcing him to lean against the wall. "Easy, buddy... Slow."

Once he has stood up, Steve closes his eyes and allows his breathing to normalize slowly. Then, he walks to the sink and rinses his mouth with a couple of sips, while Danny asks, "Is this because of the radiation poisoning?"

Resigned, Steve turns slowly and rests his back on the sink, crossing his arms and says, "It's probably ... The doctor says that one of the main factors for the genesis of thyroid cancer is the environmental exposure to ionizing radiation, but again they cannot be sure of anything until they remove it with surgery."

The questions float in the dense atmosphere of the room, finally Danny asks the most urgent "When?"

"This afternoon I have an appointment with the doctor and we're going to talk about the options." Steve starts walking towards the door, unlocks it and they both go out into the hall. As they head to the offices, the crushing silence looms over them again.

Seconds later, Steve sits behind his desk, opens the drawer and takes out a bottle of pills. Places two in his mouth and swallows them with some water. Danny looks at him with an undefined expression.

"Look, Danny. I'll tell you something... I'm going to wait until I hear what the doctor has to say. Like I told you, there's no way to know if it's cancer until they remove the tumor. When I get to that bridge, I'll cross it and decide what I'm going to do ..." After a short pause, he says, "I'm really sorry, Danno." The detective focuses his eyes, hearing the familiar nickname and asks, confused "Are you? Seriously Steve, why are you apologizing, exactly?"

Steve looks at him and a faint smile appears on his face. "You have too many things to think about right now, and the least you need is to worry about me. I'm going to be fine…"

Danny shakes his head and raises his right hand to interrupt Steve. "I'm sure you will, but... wait a minute ... What do you mean, you'll decide what you're going to do?"

"Look, Danny. Everything depends on the result of pathology analysis... According to the doctor, there are many types of thyroid cancer and the survival rate is variable, depending on the type of tumor in question. The possibilities go, from a benign tumor, which must be removed and that's all ... until ... "

Noticing Steve stays silent for a while, Danny asks, "Until ...?"

"It could also be a really bad cancer, and then ..." Steve rests his head on his hands, trying to hide his fear, "Then the treatment could be long and painful ... and I don't know if I'm ready for that."

Danny speaks with a reassuring tone of voice, "Look, Steve ... Let's not go there yet ... First let's see what the doctor has to tell us this afternoon, okay?"

Steve raises his head and looks at Danny inquisitively "The doctor has to  _tell us,_ Danno?"

"Of course, buddy. No way I'm letting you go alone," Danny tries to smile.

At that moment, the cell phone starts ringing. After clearing his throat a couple of times, Steve presses the button and answers "McGarrett ... okay, we're on our way". After finishing the call he says, "We have a case ... Let's go". As they leave the elevator heading the street, Steve says "Hey ... I don't want to say anything to the guys, until ... until I know what is really happening. Let's keep this to ourselves for now, okay?"

Both reach the Camaro, Danny walks to the passenger side and as he opens the door he says, "I don't know why but I knew you would say that ..."

* * *

Steve drops in the Camaro's passenger seat, breathing hard and feeling a whirlwind in his head, trying to regain control of his body. Why the hell all the suspects have to flee? The good thing is this guy is really stupid, he stumbled into a dead end and Steve could subdue him with relative ease, but the crazy pursuit jumping obstacles and dodging distracted bystanders, has really tired him.

Now, Tani is pushing the suspect in the back seat of a patrol car. Junior and Lou are finishing checking the crime scene, Noelani is closing the zipper on the black bag that protects the victim's body and Danny is sitting on the floor, catching his breath and taking off his Kevlar vest.

Slowly, Steve tries to avoid sudden movements, tilts his head back, resting on the headrest of the seat; the dizziness is intense and the headache is almost unbearable. Being with his eyes closed, he doesn't notice Danny, who has approached him, worried.

Danny leans besides Steve, places his hand on his friend's biceps and gently asks "Hey ... are you okay?"

"Dizzy ..." Steve answers.

"Well ..." Danny says, "We've finished here. I think you could sleep a couple of hours and I bet my BonJovi collection, that you haven't eaten anything today ... Have you?"

Steve frowns, trying to remember; finally sighs and says, "I drank some coffee this morning, after swimming ...". Danny rolls his eyes and shakes his head, "Coffee ..." he says, "No one survives with coffee, Steven ... no matter how much butter you put on it, it's not enough ... Let's find something to eat, It's on me. Then, you're going to sleep for a while ... What time is the appointment with the doctor?"

"At eighteen hundred ..." Steve answers, without opening his eyes.

Danny rolls his eyes again. "Why can't you say 6 pm as any normal person, Steven? ... All right. You're going to sleep until 5:30." Noticing Steve has opened his eyes and opens his mouth to argue, Danny raises his hand and says, "No arguments, Steve ... You better resign yourself because you're not going to win this ... I'll tell Lou we're leaving for the day and we're not going back to the office this afternoon, okay?" Noticing the expression in Steve's eyes, he sighs and says, "I know ... I won't tell him anything, okay? "

Quickly, Danny gets up, and a few seconds later Steve looks at him while te detective is talking to Lou, waving his arms and shaking his head. An affectionate smile is drawn on his face ... Really, Danny is the funniest guy he has ever met and the best friend he has ever had. Shuts the car door and closes his eyes again, sighing.

After a couple of minutes, Steve listens when the driver's door opens and Danny gets into the car, buckling his seatbelt. After turning on the engine, asks, "A big plate of Wings on Side Street?"

Steve grimaces and shakes his head. "I don't think I could handle it, Danno. I was thinking about a salad or something like that". Smiling, Danny presses the accelerator pedal and the Camaro moves away from the scene.

* * *

_The tourniquet that presses on his thigh is more annoying every minute. The blood loss causes him an intense dizziness, which he tries to repress. Sweat drips from his forehead and his nose. He is sitting on the wet, rubbery, mossy ground, holding the binoculars and waiting for the signal from the group that has approached the house. A minute later, he sees a hand sticking out of the green and thick vegetation, ten feet from the corner of the house. He quickly tells his men "Okay everybody... it's time, let's go!"_

_The small SEAL group is prepared, the men adjust the vests, put the anti-gas masks on, and check the weapons to be ready. Thirty seconds later, they begin to sneak quickly, leaning and stalking, until they reach the south side of the house. Three of them stand on each side. Then, Steve throws a smoke grenade through the open window and waits._

_The smoke starts to come out through the windows and, understanding the signal, the other SEAL group knocks down the door and bursts into the house._

_Steve and his group move to the back door, knocking it down. The darkness and the smoke prevent them from seeing the inside well. Thin beams of green light go through the rooms and Steve hears a couple of shots coming from the living room._

_Steve walks down the corridor ... he reaches the bedroom door and, cautiously, places his hand on the handle. When he opens the door, the scene he is looking is terrifying. The bodies of two women and five children are lying on the ground in front of him. The telltale spots of dark red blood, dripping down the wall, the children looks to nowhere with empty and fixed expression._

_"Oh, no ... no, no!" Steve's head refuses to think of anything else and runs to approach the motionless bodies, then places his fingers on the children's necks. Tears glide freely down his face, while he screams "Damn it...!" Furiously hits the wall and drops himself on the floor._

_Freddie has entered the room, and surprised by the scene, raises his hands to his mouth, saying "Oh, my God!" Steve sadly looks up at his friend and mutters. "We're late ... Those bastards killed them ... We're too late!"_

* * *

Steve opens his eyes screaming, he's sweating copiously and his hands tremble uncontrollably. A pair of strong hands cling to his shoulders and Danny's familiar voice says, "Hey, hey ... you're fine ... It's a nightmare Steve, you're okay..."

Steve's eyes stare at Danny and finally they seem to understand what is happening. "Danny ..."

"Yes, buddy... I'm here!" Danny's voice is barely audible, but it sounds calm and comforting. Steve recovers the rhythm of his breathing and finally his heart decides that, at least for today, it won't come bouncing off his chest.

"The children ..." Steve cryes sadly. "They killed the children, Danno!" The sobs crowd in his throat. "It was my fault ... If only ... If we had arrived a little earlier, they would be alive." The slight sobs have become a heartrending cry. Without thinking much, Danny approaches Steve and, placing his hand behind his friend's head, presses it firmly against his chest, comforting him.

A few minutes go by, and all Danny can do is pat his friend's back affectionately, until finally he calms down. Taking a deep breath, Steve moves away a few inches and looks at the round damp patches on Danny's shirt. Slowly he runs his hands over them and says, "I'm sorry ..."

"Don't, Steve. Don't be sorry... I'm here, are you okay? What is it?" Danny suddenly realizes he's asking a lot of questions and keeps quiet for a while, to give Steve a chance to answer.

Noticing the doubt in Steve's face, Danny finally speaks, trying to avoid the disappointment in his voice, "I understand ... it's classified, isn't it?"

Steve looks at him fixedly and answers, "Yeah ... but I don't care ... Not anymore." Then, he straightens up in bed and starts talking. "We were in Rwanda ... My SEAL team had been tracking those guys for months. This group was especially cruel at the time of recruiting the children for the guerrilla. They beat mercilessly and killed the mothers who tried to protect them ..." Steve's voice is interrupted by an intense coughing fit. Danny brings the water bottle closer, but says nothing.

After a couple of small sips, Steve continues, "We were ready ... The intel said the two leaders were there, in the house and they had some children as prisoners ... I gave the order to break into the house ... but we were too late, Danno ..." the sobs prevent Steve from speaking normally. Drying the tears with the back of his hand, he says, "Those bastards killed them in cold blood ... They shot the kids. They were Danny children ... The eldest could not be more than ten years old."

Danny hears the terrified voice of his friend, while he talks about that mission. It's not often Steve dares to tell him something about his military past and less about the missions he carried out with his SEAL team. A confused mixture of feelings invades his heart: on one hand, he feels honored by the confidence Steve shows him again and again, it's a full and blind trust, a confidence that Steve doesn't have for anyone else.

On the other hand, a great sadness and a terrible understanding invade his mind. Sometimes he's surprised at Steve's perseverance and endurance, but he knows there's no heart can withstand so much. He is afraid he will inevitably end up breaking up.

* * *

Both friends are sitting in the waiting room. They have barely said a couple of words since Steve told Danny about his nightmare. Danny knows he should give him some time to calm down. At that moment, the doctor's assistant opens the door and says "Commander McGarrett ... you can come in. The doctor will see you in a minute."

Steve and Danny enters in a small office. Steve can't help but smile, remembering Danny's games and jokes with the Otoscope, the last time they were together in that place. Trying to lighten the mood, Steve says, "No games this time, Danno. Or the doctor will kick our ass." Danny feigns a look of disappointment, both take a seat and look around. The walls are covered with framed diplomas, diagrams of the human body and a couple of photographs of the erupting Kilahuea.

Dr. Heenalu enters the office, closing the door and greeting both men "Commander McGarrett ... Detective." After shaking hands with the two friends, he looks down at the file he holds in his hands.

"Well ... Commander. Let's talk bluntly. The result of the ultrasound is what we were expecting. It's a hyperplastic adenoma that surrounds the left thyroid lobe. We need to remove it as soon as possible. As I told you on the phone, time is essential in these cases."

Steve looks at the doctor, and turns his head to look at Danny, as if he wanted to gather courage. Danny returns a smile and a confident look. Understanding, Steve says, "Okay. When do you want to do the surgery?"

The doctor reads a couple of sheets of the file before asking, "How about tomorrow?"


	3. Please, don't go!

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> About the surgery scene, the rush to extract the tumor and do the pathology analysis, are based on my own experience.
> 
> Thanks for reading and please tell me what do you think

**THE BIG C**

**Chapter 3: Please, don't go!**

"Wow!" Danny exclaims, trying to assimilate the man's words, who smiles at the surprised expression of both men. "I know it seems very hurried, but believe me, the sooner we know what we're facing, it will be much better. I want to take advantage of the fact that, at this moment, your health is good and the ultrasound and the blood tests we already performed, give us a pretty accurate idea of what we will find during surgery. If we wait longer, it will be necessary to carry out all the tests again. I understand it's sudden, but if you want some time to think about it ... "

Steve is pensive for a few seconds, what he least wants, at this moment, is delay the unavoidable. He raises his hand to interrupt the doctor and says "No, Doc. What should I do?"

"Excellent! My assistant will take some blood samples to check the PT and PTT, which are the blood clotting times and we will be ready for surgery." At that moment, Dr. Heenalu presses the intercom button to call his assistant. "Commander, please don't eat or drink anything after 8:00 pm, try to rest and I'll see you tomorrow at the entrance of the OR tomorrow morning, at 9:00 o'clock Do you have any questions?"

Steve starts to shake his head but Danny, the always pragmatic Danny asks, "Once the tumor has been removed, how long will the pathology results take?"

"If we perform the surgery tomorrow morning, we should have the results over the course of the afternoon. Is there anything else do you want to know?" At that moment, the assistant enters with the necessary equipment to take the blood samples. She quickly places an elastic band on Steve's left biceps, and fills a couple of tubes with blood, while the doctor is writing some notes in the file. "Well ... if there are no more questions, I'll see you tomorrow, Commander."

"Thanks, Doc," Steve answers and gets up, before Danny continues with the questions. He shakes Dr. Heenalu's hand and they both leave the office.

* * *

During the way back, the tension increases inside the Camaro. Steve has closed his eyes, trying to prevent Danny from starting a conversation. His mind is saturated and he wants to assimilate everything the doctor has told him and everything that has happened in the last two weeks. Danny throws a pair of furtive glances at his companion, finally, after a desperately long twenty minutes period, turns right on the driveway to Steve's house. Cautiously, he says "Hey ... Do you want to talk?"

"Thanks ... Danno, but I need some space to think. Tomorrow, as soon as I know something, I'll call you, okay?"

Danny rolls his eyes in exasperation and says, "Look, Steve. No way I'm going to let you go to the hospital tomorrow on your own. If you don't want to talk now, fine ... I really understand it, but tomorrow I'll come to pick you up at 8:00."

"Danno, I need you to take care of Five-0, and if we both miss, Lou and the kids will know that something is happening ..."

"I don't care, animal. I'll be in charge of Five-0, but tomorrow I'm driving you to the hospital, whether you want it or not. "

Steve begins to smile sadly and says "Okay... I'll see you tomorrow", gets out of the Camaro and walks slowly towards the house.

The living room is dim, when the door closes behind him, but Steve sits in the recliner without turning on the lights. The weak moonlight enters through the terrace door increasing the ghostly atmosphere. He sighs for a moment and suddenly feels a deep anger.

Slowly he gets up and walks towards the kitchen. His arms and legs feel heavy and the accumulated emotions begin to defeat him. He wish he could sleep and not think! Sometimes he would like to have a power button to turn off his thoughts and memories over night. Resigned, takes a bottle of water from the fridge and starts climbing the stairs, heading to his room. Tired, he drops himself fall on the bed, still dressed.

* * *

_The noise is deafening and a blinding light pierces his eyes for a moment. The team members have been hit by the explosion and he can't tell if they are dead or alive. The persistent buzzing in his ears prevents him from balance, while looking for his teammates. Desperate, shouts "Is every body all alright?"_

_Freddie's voice is heard far away "I'm fine ... How the hell did they know?"_

_Ignoring the question, but feeling relieved to hear his friend's voice, he asks again, "Is anyone hurt?"_

_In the middle of the intense smoke, a plaintive voice says, "Sir ... Carter is dead! Evans and Taylor have numerous injuries and are unconscious "_

_"Damn it!" Steve says, picking up Freddie's previous question. How the hell did Hassan and his men know they were there? He's pretty sure of having been cautious and having operated with radial silence. " Crawling, approaches where Nick lies unconscious, and begins to check him, while Freddie takes care of Evans. Nick has a deep shrapnel wound over his right ear, but although he bleeds profusely, it doesn't seem to be serious. He has some bruises, but his general condition is good._

_At that moment the man begins to cough. Steve helps him to get up and hurries to open his canteen to give Taylor some water, while asking Freddie "How's Evans?"_

_Freddie returns a compassionate look, "He received all the explosion primary force. He has multiple wounds on his chest and arms and several deep cuts on his head, he's losing a lot of blood." Freddie says, his words exude deep concern. Slowly, Steve asks Jones to come and take care of Nick, while he approaches Evans. Cradling the young lieutenant's head, who has awakened and whose pitiful cries pierce Steve's soul deeply. Caressing the hair of the young SEAL, whispers in his ear "You'll be fine, buddy..." Then he says to Freddie "In my backpack! ... Morphine ... Quickly Fred!"_

_Evans sobs and says in a barely audible voice "I don't want to die, sir ... My baby ..."_

_Steve continues whispering in the guy's ear, "You won't die, Jimmy, I promise, we'll take you home with your baby, okay?" Then he raises his voice for the rest of the team to hear him, "Listen, everyone ... We have to move. Our position is compromised, and those bastards will come to finish the job." Quickly, without letting go of Evans's head, he takes the radio out of his vest pocket and starts transmitting the help signal. "Alpha team to the base ... do you copy? We have been ambushed and attacked ... We need an extraction."_

_The silence on the radio overwhelms him ... "Alpha Team at the base" ... But nobody answers._

_"Let's go ..." Steve shouts, as he carries Evans on his shoulders. He beckons Freddie to take over Carter's body. In silence, the guys get up and follow their commander, walking among the trees until they find a relatively safe spot on the river bank. Without words, the team members perform the necessary tasks to secure the perimeter, while Steve carefully places Jimmy on a soft bed of green grass, at the foot of a tree and flopping down beside him, trying to catch his breath._

_After a couple of deep breaths, he asks "Bull Frog? ... Where is Taylor?"_

_"I'm here, sir ..." Nick answers in a choked voice with fatigue and pain._

_"Well ..." Steve sighs in relief "Freddie, do what you can to bandage that wound"._

_The hours pass slowly, while the team is in darkness. From their shelter, they have seen a couple of Taliban patrols, which have passed, just a couple of yards from them and have moved away heading to the village. After arranging watch turns, Steve tilts his head back and closes his eyes. He doesn't realize when he falls asleep, although his senses are alert to any threat._

_He doesn't know how much time has passed when Catherine's voice rings in his right ear, loud and clear, pulling Steve out of his slumber. "Alpha Team ... do you copy?" He and his team are almost hopeless of being able to communicate with the base. "Here, Alpha team ..." he answers, feeling surprise and pleased listening her voice._

_"Commander ..." Catherine answers, with a professional tone "The rescue team approaches your position"._

_"Roger that!" He answers. "We have moved three clics to the south ... Base please transmit the correct coordinates to the helicopter. There is a clear 100 or 150 yards from our position. We can set the extraction point in that place."_

_"Copy ... They must arrive in twenty minutes ... Please, hang in there, Steve." The anguish is finally revealed in her voice. Steve looks at his watch, the team has been waiting for help for four harrowing hours. Two of the SEALs are seriously injured and Carter is dead, the explosion has damaged much of the tactical equipment._

_Twenty minutes later, the Chinook descends into the clear and Steve gives the order for the extraction. Freddie takes the body of the fallen SEAL, Nick Taylor is helped by two teammates and Steve brings Jimmy upon his shoulders. They all run away, covered by the weapons of two SEALs that come on board._

_At that moment, a burst of gunfire is heard and Steve can only shout, "Hurry up ... Lets go!" Suddenly he feels a burning pang in the back, but he doesn't stop, and says in a pleading tone... "Hold on, Jimmy, we're almost there"._

_Ten seconds later, he reaches the helicopter, being the last of the men to get in. His teammates help him with Evans, while he takes a rifle and prepares to cover the extraction. A couple of seconds later, the Chinook is in the air._

_Steve focuses his eyes on Evans. The guy is bleeding again, and everyone can see a huge hole in the center of his chest. His eyes are open and fixed with an indefinable expression of fear. Steve takes his head and rests it on his lap "No ... no, no Jimmy, don't give up! You shoud know your baby ... " Then he lowers his voice and mutters " Please ... don't go buddy! "_

* * *

This time, when Steve wakes up, he isn't in the middle of shouting and soaked in sweat. Just cries quietly ... " It was my fault ..." he says in a choked voice. "That little girl never knew her father, because of me ... Just like Freddie and his family ..."

An indescribable sense of guilt chokes him ... and the images keep bombarding his mind ... The children ... Freddie ... Jimmy ... All the people who died because he didn't have what it took to save them.

Takes a few minutes to calm down. Damn tumor!, he thinks, besides killing him, it's functioning as a catalyst for his memories. He has thought a lot about this in recent days. How will he be remembered once he's gone?

His men ... the members of his team, the man under his command, who followed him unconditionally during countless missions. Will they remember him as a leader or as an inept and tyrannical commander, unable to protect his teammates?

Cath ... How will she remember him? Moreover, how will she feel about what they once had? Until a few days ago, he fantasized about the idea of Catherine returning and they finally having their  _'happily ever after'_  ... but now ... who knows?

And Five-0, his  _Ohana_. It's been over a year since Chin and Kono left, and they continued with their lives away from their  _Ohana_... away from home. Will they remember him fondly when he has left?

Danny ... How could Danny remember him? Sad, thinks about how lonely his brother is going to feel, when Steve's gone ... He knows Gracie is going to think about him, from time to time, but what about Charlie? The boy is so young! He probably won't remember.

The deep sadness is now mixed with an infinite gratitude for what life has given to him. Danny, Gracie, Charlie, Mary, Joannie ... And the list goes on and on. All his  _Ohana_ , the people who love him and who would do anything for him.

He gets angry again ... Yes. He has them all, now. But why does life want to take them away from him? All he has lost. Is that not enough?

Repressing his thoughts, takes his phone to see the time. Definitely, today he'll go to his morning swim ... He doesn't know when could be next time ...

Gets up, goes to the bathroom and, a couple of minutes later, goes down the stairs, wearing only his bathing suit with a towel hanging from his shoulder, to go to the beach. As soon as he submerges in the ocean, peace invades him along with the pleasant sensation of cold water, relieving his feverish skin. Stays under water for a few minutes, savoring the silence.

It was always like this ... Since he has memory, water has been his refuge and his consolation. His first memory of this feeling goes back to that fateful afternoon when his father told him his mother had gone. He ran to the beach and submerged himself, letting the tears mingle with the salt water.

He begins to swim furiously, vigorously hitting and kicking the water, as if that would allow him to leave everything behind, as if, for a moment, the ocean was capable of healing him ... of cleaning his mind and his body and leaving him free to live ... to feel fully happy.

He's now about two hundred and fifty yards from the beach. The sun has begun to appear behind the mountains, coloring the sky, devoid of clouds, of pink and yellow. He floats on its back, allowing itself to enjoy his symbiotic relationship with the sea.

After a few minutes, he straightens up and looks towards the house; Danny's small unmistakable figure watches him from the beach. Grateful, begins swimming again.

Ten minutes later, his feet touch the bottom and he walks to his friend. Danny has come early, it should be only 7:30. With a smile, walks towards the chairs, where his friend has sat and drinks a cup of coffee with delight. In silence, he takes the towel and begins to dry the merciless water drops that fall on Danny, who looks at him and seems he's trying to guess his mood.

With the intention of starting an inconsequential conversation, Danny asks, "Where is Eddie?"

"Junior said he would take him to the vet today. He left with him since last night." Both men begin to walk towards the house and Danny drops himself on the couch, while Steve goes up to shower. Twenty minutes later, they both leave the house, closing the door behind them. Danny extends his hand, to give the car keys to Steve, but he shakes his head, and walks to the passenger side.

* * *

Steve is lying on the OR table recalling Danny's eyes when he said goodbye at the doors of the OR area, Steve shook his hand and murmured "Please, Danno. Don't go"

He barely heards his friend's answer, "I won't go anywhere, babe. I'll be here when you come out."

The unmistakable blue fabrics overlap each other, covering his naked body. The beep of the cardiac monitor, sounds constant, merciless. And the ruthless and intense lights hurt his pupils forcing him to close his eyes. Suddenly, something is placed over his nose and mouth and the anesthesiologist soft voice tells him. "Breathe normally, Commander ... Excellent! now I want you to count from ten to zero"

"Ten, nine, eight ..."


	4. Your legacy

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Again I would like to thank all of you, who have dedicated a bit of your time to read and enjoy this story. Thank you so much!
> 
> Pleasewrite a comment. I'm very interested in knowing what do you think.

**THE BIG C**

**Chapter 4: Your legacy**

"Ten, nine, eight ..."

_An intense mist surrounds him, but it feels strangely light. Walks, barefoot, on a green meadow. The drops of dew are deliciously wetting his feet and the lower edge of his pants; the breeze blows pleasantly, caressing the skin of his face. Steve wears his full blue uniform, with his cap held tightly under his arm. He doesn't know where he is, but he's sure this is a good place. Suddenly, the atmosphere lightens and he sees, in the distance, a strangely familiar figure walking towards him._

_The man wears white pants and a light blue shirt; the cool fabric flutters in the wind, giving the impression that the man floats instead of walking._

_It takes a couple of seconds to decide to walk towards that man. As he approaches, the feeling of familiarity is accentuated. Now, he's sure he knows this man, He has seen him before._

_When he's just a couple of yards away from him, Steve recognizes the guy and begins to run. They both merge into an tight hug, whose intensity can only be a consequence of the distance and time that they have remained far away from each other. "Dad! ..." Steve's voice sounds strangely clear and there are no more tears. "I knew that! ... I knew time could bring you back!"_

_After a few endless minutes, both men separate and John notices the confused expression that has formed on his son's face. "Hi Steve ... You look really good today ..."_

_Suddenly, Steve feels a deep fear and the pleasant feeling of the breeze turns into an intense cold. Remembers the last time he saw his father... or thought he saw him... whatever! Everything turned out to be a lie, a hallucination ..._

_"I don't understand ... Are you real? ... Or this is like the last time ... "_

_"I'm real now, and the last time, I was real too ... Steve, people we love never leave ... Not at all. I've always been with you and now I'm grateful for these moments in which we have been able to meet each other, even if this only happens in the depths of your mind. "_

_"But, then ... you ..." Steve doesn't dare to ask the question._

_"Yes, I'm gone, but I'm here, with you." John raises his hand and places it on Steve's chest, next to his heart. "You've been so worried about the last days, son."_

_"Yes, dad, I'm sick... probably it's cancer ..."_

_John sighs for a moment and says, "Do you remember all the times I told you that anticipate the events is silly and nonsense? You must walk one step at a time, and cross the bridges as soon as you get them. Maybe you're sick, maybe you're not, but all that matters right now is what you're going to get from all this, if you want to learn something and if that something will help you to be happy. "_

_"I'm scared ... Dad" Steve murmurs, and noticing John's inquisitive look, clarifies, "but, don't misunderstand ... I'm not afraid of cancer, I'm not afraid of dying. Even if this is not exactly the way that I imagine it would happen. "_

_"How did you think it would be?" John asks, while sitting on the grass, with his legs crossed. Steve sits next to him and hugs his knees, resting his chin on them. Strangely, he feels good, nausea and dizziness are gone and he doesn´t feel tired or in pain._

_"I don't know ... I guess I always thought I would die during a mission ... or in the middle of a Five-0 case. I never imagined this ... " he answers, after meditating for a few seconds._

_"You said you were not afraid of cancer or death. What are you afraid of, son? " John asks, reaching up and caressing Steve's cheek, who closes his eyes when feels the touch._

_"Forgetfulness... I'm afraid of that. I'm afraid all the people I love, will forget me after I'm gone "... An intense sigh emerges from his chest._

_"You're a great man, Steve. You're the son every father could wish for. Who could forget you?"_

_"I don't know, dad, I'm not sure. Mary and Joannie, maybe; or Danny and his kids, my team, my friends... I've analyzed what my life has been and I've realized I didn't build anything ... I was not able to keep the woman I loved, I don't have kids ... There is no legacy."_

_John stands up, extending his hand to help Steve to get up and says, "Son, come with me, please." Both men begin to walk and the landscape soon transforms. Now they're walking in the city ... His city. Ala Moana Boulevard is crowded with cars waiting for the change in the traffic light. After several minutes of silence, turn right on Punchbowl Street, arriving at the Palace shortly after._

_Both enter the building, and go to the stairs, going up the steps two at a time. A minute later, they are in his office, which looks exactly as always. Okay, not exactly: Now, next to his father's folded flag, there is another triangle shaped flag, under a framed picture of him wearing his uniform._

_At that moment, Tani gets into the office; Looking at her, Steve realizes that she's not so young anymore. Some gray hair and a couple of wrinkles next to the eyes betray her age. Walks to the desk and take a small glass that contains a little water and a withered rose. Removes the flower and replace it with a new, fragrant rose full of life. Then, Tani mutters "Good morning, boss" and leaves the office, closing the door behind her._

_Steve closes his eyes, and a couple of tears slide down his cheeks. When he opens them again, he realizes they are no longer in his office, but on the private beach behind his house. A blond girl, about eighteen years old, is sitting on the sand, looking at the ocean, while the sunset paints the sky with multiple colors. The girl turns her head to see her mother coming out through the glass doors of the terrace._

_"Joan ..." Mary says, "I think you should get in and finish your homework."_

_"In a minute mom ... The sunset almost ends ..."_

_"Why do you like watching the sunset so much?" Mary has sat on the sand next to her daughter. And, like her, admires the last sunrays hiding under the water._

_"Uncle Steve once told me, whenever I would see the sunset, he would be with me, regardless of the distance beetween us or the time had passed. That's why I like to watch the sunset, because it's like I'm looking at him. "_

_Now, Steve and his father are sitting in the last row of seats in an auditorium full of people. A young man with blond hair and piercing blue eyes, speaks on the podium. The boy wears a black gown and a mortarboard with a blue tassel hanging on one side. Steve listens to the last words of his graduation speech "A man I loved and respected a lot, once told me I could be everything I wanted and I should never allow my fears to limit my dreams ... This is for you, Uncle Steve. I love you." The boy throws the mortarboard in the air, followed by all his classmates._

_Steve walks down an illuminated corridor, the closed doors repeat, one after the other on the walls on both sides. Suddenly, John stops and opens one of the doors. The room is only illuminated by the afternoon light that enters through the window. A woman sleeps peacefully in bed, her white hair falls over her shoulders framing a beautiful face. A face that he knows well._

_The framed photographs occupy most of the dressing table and the bedside table. Images of Steve and Catherine together, wearing their Navy uniform, and some of the whole team eating shrimp next to the Kamekona truck. Steve turns to look at her again, Catherine has a picture on her chest, which rises and falls in time with her breathing, both hands hold the frame firmly. He appears in the picture, sketching a silly smile and holding a surfboard. Steve leans over and puts a kiss on her forehead, which frowns at the touch._

_When straightens up, the one in the bed is Gracie, sleeping deeply and holding in her arms a beautiful newborn baby. Steve smiles and looks enraptured at the small bundle wrapped in blue blankets who sleeps peacefully in his mother's arms. John calls his attention to a plastic bracelet that wraps around the small wrist. He reads: "Steven Daniel Grover."_

_The place where they are, changes again. The wind blows swinging the treetops, Steve and his father walk through the grass dodging the gray plates stucked in the ground, at some distance from each other. Suddenly, he looks at a hunched figure, leaning heavily on a wooden walking stick. They walk slowly towards the old man, who is standing, staring at one of the tombstones._

_Suddenly, the man kneels laboriously and begins to remove the dry leaves. When they reach the tombstone, they hear him speaking quietly "Today I spoke with Clara on the phone ... She sends her love to you, she will arrive in a few days and Grace wants her to stay in Hawaii during the holidays. You'd love to see her, Steve ... She's beautiful, really beautiful. " Danny pauses and wipes his eyes with the back of his hand, then says "I miss you, animal ..." Steve looks furtively over Danny's shoulder and reads the inscription in the gray gravestone._

**_Stephen J. McGarrett_ **

**_Lieutenant Commander_ **

**_US Navy - SEAL Team Five - Five-0 Task Force_ **

**_"Those who have left don't disappear, they remain alive as long as there is someone who remembers them. We will always remember you."_ **

_The mist returns to envelop them and John takes his hand firmly, pointing the way, as when he was a kid, while asks, "Do you still think you have built nothing? That is your legacy, son. The lives you saved, the battles you fought and the people you loved. They are your legacy and they will never forget you."_

_Suddenly, Steve stops and turns to look at his father, with a look of surprise "The tombstone! ... "_

_"Yes?" John asks._

_"The inscription didn't have a date ... Usually the date of birth and death are engraved on the stone ... but in this one they are not..."_

_"Steve. The reality is that nobody can know if he will die tomorrow or in twenty years. There is nothing written, son. The future is built day by day and today is the only thing we have..." he pauses and then continues "Son, I want you to do something for me ... "_

_"What is it, dad?"_

_"I want you to fight. No matter what fate may hold, I want you never give up. You still have a lot to do, many lives to change and many moments to live ... Promise me, Steve ... " John has placed his hands on Steve's shoulders and shakes him lightly._

_"I promise dad"_

_"I love you son…"_

_"Love you too"_

* * *

Steve opens his eyes and everything around him is blurred, as if someone had smeared glycerin on them. After blinking a couple of times, he begins to look at the room, a typical hospital room. His neck is rigid, wrapped in gauze and bandages; the oximeter presses painfully on his index finger and the IV line goes from his right arm, until it joins a bag containing a transparent liquid. In his left biceps, the sleeve to measure his blood pressure is inflated from time to time, and the monitor numbers flash.

His mouth is dry and the familiar feeling of dizziness and nausea, produced by anesthesia, rises from his stomach. A hand rests softly on his forehead and a female voice says "Welcome, Commander ... How do you feel?"

"N.. Nausea ..." he answers in a choked voice. The nurse brings a container to his mouth and he vomits a bit of bile. "Thirsty ..." On the other side of the bed, a hand brings the glass to him, placing the straw gently on his lips. After drinking a couple of small sips, his gaze rests on the other person ... The blond detective gives him a smiling look and says, "Hey ..."

"Danno ..." his voice is hoarse and his throat hurts, merciless "You didn't have to stay ..."

"I told you there's no way you get rid of me, animal. You're stuck with me and there's nothing you can do about it ... "

"Danno ..."

"What is it?" Danny realizes that Steve has something important to say, but he's sure his friend's throat must be terribly sore. "You can tell me later, buddy..."

Steve shakes his head and beckons Danny to come closer "Danno, I saw my dad ..."

Suddenly, Danny has an ugly feeling in the pit of his stomach. The last time Steve thought he saw and talked to his father, he had been terribly tortured; but Steve's expression is completely different this time.

"He spoke to me ... Danno. He told me so many things!. He is proud of me! ... "

"Of course he is proud, animal. I'm proud of you, even though I hate you ... I hate you so much!" Steve begins to laugh, but is interrupted by a coughing fit.

"Easy, buddy ... Take it easy, can you do this for me?" Danny says, wiping the tears that laughter left in the corners of his eyes.

Steve feels the flaccid and heavy eyelids. It's very difficult for him to stay awake and Danny can see that, gently says, "Sleep for a while, buddy ... I'll be here".

The next time he wakes up, his head feels free from the anesthetic effect. Danny is sitting in the chair, playing with his phone, not realizing that his partner looks at him with a funny expression. Dr. Heenalu gets into the room at that moment, holding a folder in his hands, Danny suddenly gets up and asks "Well?"

Heenalu approaches the bedside and checks the bandages that presses his patient's neck, verifies the IV drip, and finally looks up, to face the silent question in the expectant face of the two friends.

"Commander ... We have the results of pathology".


	5. Promises

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> This chapter has medical terminology. I have obtained help from a doctor about the diagnosis and treatment of thyroid cancer. Either way, keep in mind that I am not a doctor and apologize for any inaccuracies.
> 
> Enjoy your reading

**THE BIG C**

**Chapter 5: Promises**

"Commander ... We have the results of pathology." Dr. Heenalu sits on the bed and begins to explain, "In the surgery, we removed the entire adenoma and performed the thyroidectomy. Fortunately, there was no damage to the parathyroid glands."

At that moment, Danny asks, "That means you removed completely the thyroid? I thought the tumor only affected the left lobe."

"That's right, but during the surgery we evaluated the benefits of removing only the left lobe and we decided on a total thyroidectomy." The doctor opens the file to consult his notes about the surgery. "Now, in view of these results, I'm glad I did it that way."

Steve shudders and asks "Why?"

The doctor sighs, "There's definitely no easy way to say this, so I'll just say it. The pathology results revealed the presence of cancer."

Danny collapses in his chair, overwhelmed. Steve closes his eyes for a moment, while the doctor continues with his explanation, "But not all is bad news. It was a papillary adenocarcinoma. These types of tumors usually grow very slowly, and often originate in a single lobe of the thyroid gland. The prognosis is very favorable, in general, surgery is usually enough to eliminate the entire cancer tumor. I ordered a couple of tests just to make sure, and the subsequent treatment is usually simple. In most cases, the chance the cancer will reappear is really very small".

Danny replies, "Then why did you remove the entire thyroid?" Steve breathes with a slight relief. At this moment, he feels grateful for Danny's presence. The man never hesitates to ask questions and Steve doesn't feel strong enough to ask anything.

"We opted for a total thyroidectomy, because leaving part of the thyroid can interfere with some tests to determine if there is recurrent cancer after treatment. Although papillary carcinomas grow slowly, they often spread to the lymph nodes in the neck, so during surgery we performed a biopsy to determine if this is the case. Biopsies revealed the lymph nodes are clear."

"I guess that's the good news," Danny says, trying not to sound too sarcastic.

"Indeed, detective" the doctor smiles for the first time, "This is very good news."

"Ok ..." Steve says. "What's next, chemo, radiation, what?"

"We'll carry out a treatment with a single dose of radioactive iodine. The dose are two pills that will destroy any remaining thyroid cells - including cancer cells - that will absorb the iodine, with a minimum effect on the rest of your body. This type of treatment is often used to destroy any possibility that there is still any cancerous cell that we have overlooked, either in the parathyroid or in the lymph nodes. "

Steve has straightened up in bed and listens carefully to the doctor, noticing Heelanu has paused again, he takes some courage and asks, "How is that treatment?"

"For radioactive iodine therapy to be more effective, we will have to raise your levels of thyrotropin, which is the thyroid stimulating hormone. We will give you a dose of thyrotropin twice a day, for three days. This substance stimulates cancer cells to absorb radioactive iodine. This can often cause symptoms such as fatigue, depression, constipation, muscle aches and difficulty concentrating. On the fourth day, we will give you the radioactive iodine dose. Your body will emit a mild radiation, so it will be necessary to stay in the hospital two or three days after treatment, in a special isolation room to prevent other people from being exposed to radiation. Afterwards, you can go home and remain at relative rest for a couple of weeks. Of course, we should have some follow-up sessions in the future, to prevent the recurrence of cancer."

Steve is not happy about the need to stay in the hospital, but he knows this could definitely be worse ... much worse!. Now, he only has one question in mind, "What are the side effects of radioactive iodine?"

The doctor closes the folder, looks at Steve and says, "Side effects may include swelling and pain when moving the neck, nausea and vomiting, dry mouth and changes in taste. But usually these symptoms disappear after two or three days. "

Steve smiles resignedly, thinking about the symptoms described by Dr. Heenalu are not very different from the episodes he has experienced since radiation poisoning, without thinking much more, he says "Okay, let's do it."

Danny can't help but be surprised. One of the deepest fears he had was Steve could decide not to perform any post-surgery treatment if the possibility of having cancer was confirmed.

"Okay," the doctor says, "We'll start with thyrotropin this afternoon, if you have any other questions for me, please call the nurse and she will know where find me." Both friends nod and Danny says "Thank you, doctor." The doctor gets up and leaves the room.

Steve has closed his eyes and sighs slowly, waiting for Danny's usual diatribe. His friend surely has something to say. A couple of minutes of overwhelming silence had passed and Steve has opened his eyes again and looks at Danny, who has sit down, with his elbows on his thighs and resting his face hide on his hands.

"I was so afraid ..." Danny says in a voice that is trembling with emotion.

"Yes ... me too, but I guess it's something that had to happen, sooner or later."

Danny can't believe what he hears, "What are you talking about? Steve, there was no need for this to happen. You have punished your body for so long, that somehow, you're always ready for something bad to happen to you. I understand that disarming that bomb to save half the population of the island was absolutely necessary, but for once ... just for once I wish you were not the only one who had to face the consequences."

"What?" Steve asks, on the verge of getting angry "Would you have preferred to be you? Or that both of us were affected? Neither of those two alternatives was an option for me, Danno. I couldn't allow something happen to you that day. Gracie and Charlie need you. Whether you like it or not, it was about protecting the greater good ..."

"Yes, but at what cost, Steve? Your life is as important as the others lives ... You've never thought about what would happen to me or my kids, if we lost you ... " Danny feels frustrated, and angry, dries a tear from his cheek with the palm of his hand. Steve continues to think his health and his life are dispensable.

"This is nothing, compared to what was at risk, Danno. My dad made me understand that." Steve's last sentence leaves Danny out of breath, "I don't understand ... What are you talking about?"

"I told you, I saw him ... and he told me that the lives we saved, the battles we fought and the people we love are our legacy. All of our actions have consequences, Danno. This is just one of them. I would like to tell you I have no regrets about the decisions I made during my time with the SEALs or leading Five-0, and I would do the same again without hesitation, but I would be lying ... The truth is I'm scared. But you need to understand I'm trained for this. This is why I've lived the last twenty years of my life, to fight for my people, for my country, Danny, to always defend the greater good. No matter how much it costs."

"I know ... and I also know that I probably don't have the slightest idea of all the horrors you had to go through before I met you ... I'm also scared Steve, I don't want to lose you ... but I'm here, you don't have to do this alone, buddy." Danny gets up and places a hand on Steve's arm, squeezing to convey the comfort his friend needs. Steve smiles and says, "I know that, Danno. I know I'm not alone, that's why you should go home now and rest. For now I'm fine, and if we're going to do this, I'm going to need all your strength. "

"What should I tell the team?" Danny asks, he doesn't feel comfortable hiding Steve's condition from Lou, Tani and Junior. In addition, Steve is going to be out for several days and everyone will start asking questions.

"The truth, Danno. Tell them what is happening. I'll probably need a little help with Eddie, and Junior will love taking care of him. Talk to Mary, and tell her everything; I also need you to talk to the governor and explain the situation, the doctor said I'll be gone for three weeks, I need you to be in charge of Five-0 in the meantime. "

Danny wants to reply, tell Steve he's not tired and he's going to stay with him all night long. He doesn't like the idea of his friend being alone right now. Thinks of all the difficult path his friend has to go, and believes Steve could use some company.

As if Steve could read his mind, he raises his right hand in a conciliatory gesture and says "Go home, Danno, I'll see you tomorrow, okay?"

The nurse gets in the room, with two syringes in her hand, "It's thyrotropin ..." she explains, while injecting the contents of one of the syringes into Steve's intravenous line, then shows him the second syringe, "This is an analgesic and sedative, Dr. Heelanu said you would be sore after the surgery, and this should help you rest. "

Ten minutes after struggling unsuccessfully against the irrepressible fatigue and eyelids that close inexorably, Steve finally falls asleep. Danny approaches him and tells in a low voice. "Sleep well, animal. I'll see you tomorrow". Steve's eyes open a little and he says, in a hoarse voice, "See you tomorrow, Danno" and goes back to sleep.

* * *

Danny is sitting in the driver's seat of the Camaro, he has not yet started the engine. Suddenly, the sobs he has repressed all day long, finally escape from his throat. Covers his eyes with the hands and allows, for a moment, that stress and concern for his brother dissolve in his tears, sometimes he can't believe all the crap Steve has endured. Ten minutes later, calms down and starts the engine, the Camaro leaves the parking lot.

It's 4 pm and he has not eaten anything all day, after thinking a bit, while avoiding the afternoon traffic, presses a speed dial number on his phone and waits ... At the second tone, Lou's unmistakable voice answers. "Hi Danny ... Everything okay? We were worried."

"Hi, Lou. Everything's fine. Do we have a case?"

"Fortunately, we don't ... We're doing some paperwork, but we were beginning to worry about you two guys. Where did you go away?" Lou's voice sounds relieved.

"Listen ..." Danny says, "I didn't have lunch today ... Do you think we can meet in the Kamekona's truck? There's something I should discuss with you."

"Of course ... but are you sure everything is fine?"

"I'm sure, buddy. I'll see you in ten ... "

"Okay". Lou ends the call, but an inexplicable sensation takes hold of his stomach. Restless, he tells Tani he will leave for an hour, takes his keys and leaves the headquarters.

Ten minutes later, Lou arrives at his destination. After getting out of his SUV, walks to the tables, where Kamekona is giving some t-shirts and shave ice to a couple of tourists. Lou looks around and then sees Danny. The detective is sitting at the wooden table, staring at a group of kids playing with a frisbee and the many tourists who stroll along the beach. He doesn't notice when Lou sits in front of him, worried.

"Okay, man ... What's going on?" Lou's powerful and deep voice takes Danny out of his slumber. He speaks for the next ten minutes, telling Lou what has been going on with Steve over the past few days.

"Oh God! Cancer?" Lou finally asks, Danny notices the deep anguish in Lou's voice and eyes. "Why didn't he tell us?"

"You already know him, Lou. Steve thinks he can carry the world upon his shoulders. I barely got him to tell me, but he made me promise not to say anything until we know ... until we know the results and decided what he called 'the strategy to follow'. He didn't say anything but, I really thought he would refuse the treatment, Lou ..." Danny pauses, breathes a couple of times and then says" I'm concerned... The treatment will be short, but it won't be easy. The doctor talked about depression and fatigue. I don't feel comfortable leaving him alone, but he insisted I go home to rest for the night."

"He's right, Danny. You must rest, getting exhausted doesn't make any sense, man. Steve's going to need all of us to be ready to support him. We can take turns to make sure he doesn't stay alone. I'll stay with him tonight", Danny sighs with relief and says "Thank you, buddy."

* * *

An intense sensation of chill runs through his body and he wakes up trying to contain the nausea. "Damn it!" mumbles. He's tired and begins to wonder if all this is worth it. The last two days have been like hell. The intense pain and stiffness in his neck has barely allowed him to rest, despite the fact the doctor has ordered an increase in the analgesics dose. Extends his hand to reach the glass from the bedside table, but a small hand takes it and brings the straw to his mouth. Steve's not sure who is this person. All team members have been with him every minute, a couple of hours at a time. The hand places the glass back on the bedside table and rests affectionately on his forehead, caressing his hair.

Steve listens to the familiar voice, "Shhh ... Uncle Steve. Go back to sleep, I'm here ... "

Surprised, Steve opens his eyes and, in the middle of the darkness begins to distinguish the small figure of Grace. "Gracie?" He asks, with a voice that denotes surprise and enormous joy.

"Danno's gone for a moment. It's a case, I think ... I told him I would stay with you for a while." The girl says with great sweetness. "I'm so happy to be here, with you ... You're going to get well, Uncle Steve ... you have to heal because we all need you ... I need you!" Sobs erupt from Grace's throat.

She rests her head on Steve's chest, who gently caresses her back, trying to comfort his niece. "I'm fine, Gracie. For real. However, I really needed one of your special hugs to make me feel better ... Thank you," he says with a big sigh.

Slowly, Grace calms down and her breathing is interrupted by an occasional hiccup. Steve tries to change the topic of conversation, "So ... How's the school?" They both start talking and soon they're joking and laughing. Steve forgets, for a moment, where he is. Closes his eyes and imagines that, instead of being in a hospital bed, is on the beach, and Gracie and Charlie play in the waves and build castles in the sand.

At that moment, Grace is telling something really funny and her chest is stirred with that bubbling laugh. Danny enters the room and remains silent, by the door, watching them. He always liked Grace and Steve's relationship. His partner knew how to earn her love and her confidence from the very moment he met her in that football game. Danny knows there's nothing Steve wouldn't do for her.

They spend a few minutes before they notice his presence. Suddenly, Grace looks at the door and says "Danno ... I was telling Uncle Steve about the plans for the prom and the big problem that has been deciding all the details ... I'm so excited about having to read the graduation speech!" Suddenly, Grace looks at Steve and the expression of her face changes, erasing the smile. The girl squints and asks, "You'll be there, right?"

"Of course, Gracie. I wouldn't miss it for nothing ..." Steve answers, smiling.

"You promise?"

"I promise"


	6. Nostalgia

**THE BIG C**

**Chapter 6: Nostalgia**

It's been a couple of hours since Gracie left, and Steve still feels full of that sparkling energy. Since she was a little girl, Danny's daughter always had the power to cheer up even the darkest moments of his life and he loves her more than he ever thought possible. It's true he also loves Charlie so much, especially because the little kid seems to be the miniature version of his partner; However, in his heart, there will always be a special place for Gracie.

The ' _experience'_  lived with his father two days ago, returns to his mind with greater intensity. Imagines how Gracie will be when she goes to college, when she graduates, when she marries and has children ... He wants to be part of all that. He thinks he has no right to ask, but secretly prays for it to be so.

Danny has gone to drive Grace home and now, Tani is sitting in front of him, with a wooden chessboard between them.

At this moment, Steve does his best for not thinking about what's coming. Tomorrow is the day ... He knows it won't be easy, mainly because he won't be allowed to have visitors.

He will be isolated for three days ... Three days of waiting ... three days, during which he will be trapped inside his own mind and betrayed by his own body.

Thinks of his mother, and tries to imagine what Doris would say if she knew ... Would she be here? A bitter laugh comes from deep in his throat ... surely she wouldn't. The strange sound, in which he can barely recognize himself, cuts the thread of his thoughts and suddenly looks up to meet Tani's eyes looking at him in a silent question. Now, he realizes he has held the little wooden knight in his hand for some time and sketches an apologetic smile. "Sorry, really I'm not focused today huh?"

"If you don't want to play, it's okay, boss ... I fully understand... You know I'm going to beat you anyway!" Tani says with a smirk.

Steve's smile changes, growing wider and more sincere, "Do you mind if we leave this for another day?"

"Of course ... Do you want something ...?"

Steve denies with the head "You're a good girl, Tani ... and a good cop" says honestly. Tani smiles, appreciating Steve's words, because she knows his boss is not fond of free praise. She looks down timidly and mutters "Thank you ..."

"How is your brother?"

Tani smiles again. "Oh! He's great! Helping those guys to overcome their addictions is really transforming him ... Sometimes I can't recognize him. I think he looks like my dad... Do you want me to tell you something funny?" Steve nods silently, "He was a bit like you ... He was a highly decorated officer, but at home, with the family, he was the sweetest man ..."

"Do you mean I'm sweet ...?"

"A little bit, yes"

"Okay ... I'm going to take that as the best compliment anyone ever told me." Steve answers, taking one of Tani's hands, "Thank you, Tani ... for everything. You didn't need to stay ... I really appreciate this."

"Not thanks to you. I think I've never thanked you for everything you've done for me."

"I didn't do anything ..." Steve reinforces his words with a nod.

"Of course ... You took me from the darkest moment of my life, gave me a home and a family, people who will do anything for me and which I would do anything for ... You helped me save my brother and gave me a job that I love so much..."

"Yes ... And because of me you almost died in a fire the first day I met you, and you were exposed to a deadly virus..."

Tani shakes her head and says, "psss, details!"

At that moment, the room's door opens and a familiar face framed by a messy blond hair, looks in and says simply, "Hi!"

A strangled sob escapes from Steve's throat, who extends his hands to the newcomer ... "Mary! ..."

She quickly enters the room, contradicting her initial shyness and throws herself into her brother's arms, which envelop her affectionately, shuddering slightly in pain ... "Augh!"

"Oh, I'm sorry!" Mary says, moving away a little.

"How are you, Mare? When did you arrive? Where is Joannie?" The questions come out from Steve's mouth one after another, without him being able to stop them, Tani can't contain the laughter and Mary looks at her smiling.

Finally, Steve says "Tani ... This is my sister Mary ... Sis, meet Tani, one of the new members of Five-0". Both women shake hands affectionately, while Mary says "Sure! It's a pleasure. My brother talks a lot about you ... but don't worry, all are good things".

Tani gets up, to leave and, almost without realizing it, leans over Steve and places a loud kiss on his cheek ... Then she gets up, surprised and her mouth starts to elaborate an apology, when he interrupts her saying, "Thank you again, Tani ... for everything."

Steve and Mary are alone and after the initial conversation, they remain silent for a moment, not knowing what to say... finally Mary begins to speak and words sprout from her lips, uncontrollable "I'm sorry! … I'm so sorry! I should have been with you from the beginning, but your head is so hard that you probably had terrible moments before you dared to say a single word ... I'm so grateful Danny called me, Steve ... "

"But I'm fine ..." Steve starts to say, but she interrupts him ... "Yes, I know ... you'll say everything is fine, but that's not true. God, Steve! I wonder if you would have even called me, if Danny had not done so, or if I had found out months or years later..."

Steve knows his sister is right, looks down and mutters "I'm sorry ... Mare."

With one of her usual mood swings, she dries the tears, which wet her cheeks and says, "It doesn't matter! I know you, so I've resigned myself to accepting Danny as your spokesperson ... You should increase his pay check," she says, in the middle of a loud laugh. Then, in a more serious tone, she asks, "How do you feel?"

"The truth is I don't know ... Dr. Heenalu has me saturated with meds for pain, nausea, depression, insomnia and an unpronounceable substance they are giving me before knocking me down with the treatment of radioactive iodine."

"When? ..." she asks, taking one of his hands in hers.

"Tomorrow ... later, I'm going to be in isolation for three days ... I think that's what scares me the most ..." Steve confesses, lowering his eyes; then changes his expression and says, "But I've been worse before ... So this must be a walk in the park, right?"

"Don't do that!" She says, angry. Noticing Steve frowns, "Don't try to trivialize this, Steve. Don't hide behind your SEAL armor to avoid accepting your feelings."

"Mary ... The truth is you and Danny are the only people I would ever admit to being scared ..."

"And I suppose we should be grateful for that, right?" A slight touch of bitterness is heard in Mary's voice, who, noticing the grimace of pain on Steve's face, she retracts "I'm sorry! ... You're the way you are, I love you ... and I'm here."

"I know ... I love you too ..." Steve remains pensive for a moment, fighting the doubts that crowd his brain, but finally says, "You know, Mare? While I was in surgery ... under the effect of anesthesia, I saw dad."

Mary's shoulders tighten and she says, "You mean you dreamed about him?"

"I don't know ... Bah! It doesn't matter ... anyway, I don't think it was a dream," before the skeptical look of his sister, he asks, "How many times in your dreams you can feel the warmth of the wind and the texture of the sand under your feet, while you perceive the saline aroma coming from the sea? ... I've never had a dream like that before. It was so real! I saw him, I talked to him and he hugged me ... He asked me about my fears and he helped me, Mare, he really helped me ..."

"How exactly did he help you?"

"I told him that my biggest fear was the people I love won't remember me when I'm gone ..." Mary gently strokes her brother's hand, while she listens. "He told me it will never happen, showed me all the people I love and will remember me when I'm gone. You and Joannie were there, and Danny, Grace, Charlie, Cath ... Everyone."

A wide smile of understanding is drawn on Mary's lips, finally she says, "You know? I envy you, brother."

"What is it you envy? ... Because honestly, at this moment I don't think I have anything absolutely that anyone can envy. Anything at all."

A lonely tear escapes from Mary's eyes, "You've seen him ... you've hugged him and talked to him twice, Steve. Twice! ... I would give anything to have an opportunity like that ..." Steve nods silently and holds his sister's hand tighter.

They've spent the last hour talking. Mary tells Steve the news about her job, Joan's school and other things, jumping from one topic to another and splashing the conversation with laughter, tears, nervous walks and awkward pauses.

At that moment, Danny gets in, loaded with a pile of cards, balloons and a bag of malasadas that hides quickly behind everything else, to avoid the obligatory scolding of the nurses. "You're more popular than Justin Bieber, buddy..." Danny says, as he places the gifts on the table. "This is just one part ... Your office is full of this stuff."

When he has his hands free, approaches Mary and hugs her tenderly. "I'm glad you came ... How was your flight?"

"Tired. It's not easy for Joan to stay calm during such a long flight, but I'm happy to be here... Thanks for calling me."

"Anytime ... I just hope the next time is for a totally different reason," Danny says, sighing. Then, looks at his partner and says, "How do you feel?"

"Better ..." Steve answers, and upon noticing Mary and Danny's blank eyes says, "Honestly ... Gracie, Tani and Mary have done for me much more than the ton of painkillers and sedatives prescribed by the doctor ..."

"It's good to hear that," Danny answers, but is interrupted by the sound of his phone. Quickly, presses the button and answers "Lou ... What do we have?" He asks, as leaves the room to speak in the corridor. Five minutes later, he returns with an angry expression on his face that changes quickly when he notices Mary is about to leave. He kisses her on the cheek and says, "Thanks for coming ... I'll see you tomorrow, okay?"

She nods, waves her hand and says as she crosses the door, "Goodbye guys, I'll see you tomorrow."

* * *

"What's wrong?" Steve asks.

"It's nothing ... we have a slightly annoying case," Danny replies, as he drops himself in a chair, after putting his phone in his pants pocket; Then, knowing Steve won't let it pass, he says, "Actually, it's very simple. We know the guy murdered his wife, but he's very well connected and it's proving difficult to put together a case against him... He has a team of lawyers more numerous than OJ Simpson, so at this moment we have Junior and Jerry with a laser surveillance equipment, spending a pleasant moment, parked in front of the suspect's house in Kahala."

"Danny ... if you need to go." Steve says, implying there's no problem if he has to stay alone tonight, but Danny shakes his head and says, "Lou and the guys have it covered, if they need anything, they'll call me, okay?" Takes one of the malasadas from the bag, bites it with greedy expression and asks pointing to the bag "Do you want one?" Steve shakes his head.

For a few minutes, Steve observes amused as a couple of malasadas disappears, finally decides to ask Danny, "Well... are you going to tell me?"

"What do you want me to tell you?" Danny asks, simulating confusion.

"Oh, come on! Do you really want to play this? We have a pending conversation and you know that. Actually, we haven't had many opportunities to finish it in the last days. After the surgery, with me vomiting or sleeping most of the time, I couldn't ask you, how's your dad? Is there any news?"

Danny shakes his head, but says nothing. The familiar sadness reappears on his face and pretends to concentrate on his malasada. Steve says in a soft voice, "Danno, look at me ..." Danny looks up slowly.

"You said you were here for me, right? Well, it's a two-way road, Danno. The fact that I'm trapped in this bed doesn't prevent me from realizing you're not fine. And I'm here for you too ..."

Danny sighs, recognizing his friend is right, finally says, "Everything's the same. I spoke with mom this morning and she told me there's an experimental treatment in a hospital in New York, they want to try, but I don't know ... I think they're just giving her false hopes."

"Or maybe not. Hope is a very powerful weapon, Danno!" Steve replies, "I think it's important for him, to know he's doing everything he can to beat the disease. Each person has their own way of dealing with it ..."

"I know ..." Danny answers with a deep sigh, knowing that Steve is referring to both Danny's father and himself. "It's just that ... with each new treatment or every miraculous medicine that doesn't work, the disappointment is getting bigger."

"Yes ... I can imagine ..." Both are silent for a while. Steve pushes his friend again, "However, there's something else that bothers you, isn't it?" He goes back to piercing Danny with that look that seems to guess what's going on deep in his soul, "What's been happening with you in the last months, Danno? ... and please don't tell me it's nothing ... Since Brooke came, you've been distant and thoughtful."

"I don't know ... I guess the whole gunshot thing, realizing the reasons why Ray had to try killing me and meet Brooke after so many years... everything triggered a detonator for memories in my brain. A detonator to realize why my marriage failed and I couldn't have a stable relationship with any woman after that ... I guess fate has decided I must be a lonely man, but that doesn't mean I like being one, Steve. I would still like to have a relationship, someone to share my life with, to love me for what I am ... no matter if I'm a cop or whatever ... I guess I feel lonely. I confess that sometimes, when I see Lou with his wife and children, all together, I can't help but feel a bit of nostalgia."

"I thought things with Melissa were going well ..."

"If you consider ' _going well'_ , to see each other only once from time to time, some night of intense sex, followed by weeks of phone calls and an empty  _'I love you'_  said from thousands of miles away ... then yes. We're fine..." Danny sighs a couple of times and continues, "Look, Steve. Maybe the casual relationships of friends with benefits work for you, but I don't think I'm that way ..." Steve draws a sad smile but doesn't say anything, so Danny retracts immediately. "I'm sorry ... I didn't have the right to tell you that crap, I know it's been difficult to you too. Apparently, I can't put a hold on my mouth these days... It's just ... I miss that feeling, Steve ... I miss loving someone with such intensity that I can lose my head and do anything crazy".

Steve nods and an indefinable nostalgia appears at the corners of his lips, slightly curved, "I know ... I feel the same, buddy. But, do you want to know something funny? When I had that  _'experience'_ with my dad during the surgery, I understood one thing."

"What thing?"

"I told him I was afraid of being forgotten because I had not built anything with my life. I didn't manage to keep Catherine, I don't have a family and kids. But he made me understand every family is different, Danno, and I realized I really do have a family ... You, your kids, Mary, Joannie and my  _Ohana_..."

"Do you miss Catherine?" Danny asks.

"A few days more than others. I think a part of me will always miss her, Danny. She's the woman of my life and I must confess that, deep down, I'll always have hope ... I guess we are more similar than we think, aren't we? Maybe I feel about Catherine the same kind of nostalgia you feel about Rachel and no matter how many new relationships we have, the reality is they will always have a special place."

"Wow!" Danny says, recovering his usual sarcasm, "Who are you and what have you done with the tough Commander McGarrett? Maybe the last few days have ended up confirming my theory and turning you into an eternal half-baked cookie."

At that moment, the nurse enters the room to inject in the IV the nocturnal dose of thyrotropin and painkillers, while saying, "This is the last dose, commander. Tomorrow morning we must move you to an isolated room and Dr. Heelanu will come to give you the dose of radioactive iodine." After checking the drip of the IV and the vitals monitor, she says, "If you need anything, press the call button. Good night Commander ... Detective."

"Good night," they answer and the nurse leaves the room.

Both friends are silent and Steve is surprised to realize how far they have come in their friendship ... Sometimes, just as now, the silent moments, which before tried desperately to fill with words, are an exchange of mutual comfort and confidence. The understanding in his brain, tries to convince his troubled soul that, of all the people of his  _Ohana_ , his brother, sitting silently in front of him, with his face and shirt spread with sugar, is definitely for the one who Steve feels more grateful.

* * *

Dr. Heenalu gets into the room early that morning, accompanied by two assistants. The three men stand by the door, watching both friends sleep. From the first day, realizing that his insistence for Commander McGarrett's friends going home at night, would be useless, Heenalu ordered a recliner to be brought to Steve's room.

Now Danny's sleeping, sprawled on the recliner. The doctor notices the deep dark shadow under the detective's eyes, and can't help but feel a pang of nostalgia ... Desiring again, to find a friendship as deep and unconditional as the one these two men have.

Slowly, approaches Danny and places a hand on his shoulder, shaking gently. "Detective ..." he says in a low voice. When Danny opens his eyes, confused, the doctor says, "Detective, it's time ... We're going to move Commander McGarrett to an isolated room to give him the radioactive iodine."

The two assistants have approached Steve's bed, who looks at them with a slight expression that only Danny can interpret as fear, and have begun to get him ready. Heenalu comes close to Steve and asks "Good morning, Commander. Are you ready?" Steve growls in response. Seconds later, Danny sees, with a sharp sadness, as his friend's bed moves away down the empty corridor.


	7. Emotional seesaws

**THE BIG C**

**Chapter 7: Emotional seesaws**

Dr. Heelanu leaves the isolation area, after checking his patient and giving him the dose of radioactive iodine. After getting rid of the uncomfortable protective suit, mandatory for all the staff working in this area, his phone starts ringing. "Heelanu ..." he answers. The doctor listens in silence for a minute and says, "Okay, tell him I'll see him in my office in ten minutes."

* * *

Danny is in the waiting room, outside the doctor's office. He wrings his hands nervously, worried about the way Steve will face the next few days. A few minutes later, Dr. Heelanu gets in and, upon seeing Danny, says, "Please come in, detective ... The nurse told me you asked to see me."

Danny gets into the office and drops himself in the chair in front of the desk. "Yes doctor. It's just I have some questions ... Why the isolation? I understand the whole issue of exposure risk and everything, but ... I really don't think it's good for Steve to stay alone at this moment. Doc, I've been in isolation before and we were four people, after a few days I could feel myself going crazy."

"I understand your concern, detective, but it's the protocol for cases like this. Listen, exposure to radiation, even in minimal doses can have consequences in the human body. Even the staff has restricted access to the commander's room and, even when we use special equipment, we can only stay in the room for a few minutes."

Danny nods but insists, "Why can't I use one of those special suits you're talking about?"

Heelanu smiles. In the short time he has met the stubborn detective, he has realized this won't be an easy battle to win. "I'll tell you what we're going to do. We'll allow you some brief visits, but it should be only you and you must use a special protective suit. All the time you must remain behind the protective glass. You won't have any physical contact with Commander McGarrett and this is not up for discussion. I'm not willing to risk your health. The rest of the time you two should settle for talking on the phone, are we clear?"

Danny exhales a sigh of relief "Agree, Doc, I really appreciate this."

* * *

This afternoon, Steve is sitting on the bed, with his head resting on the pillows, his throat is dry as sandpaper and he has become used to making slow movements so as not to aggravate the nausea. It's true the doctor said this would happen, but he's really tired of feeling bad. He's afraid to eat, because his stomach reacts to any solid food he receives and the arcades knock him down. They have given him a glass with ice, and the pleasant sensation of freshness is welcome.

His thumb presses rhythmically

the button on the remote control, trying to find a channel on TV, the images follow one another, but nothing interests him, finally, he gives up and turns TV off. At that moment, his phone vibrates with a text message, he takes it and turns on the screen. Smiles when reading Danny's message. "Hey buddy! How are you doing?"

Steve moves his thumbs across the screen, "It's really not that bad. TV is larger..."

"Good to know"

"How about the case?"

"Suspect arrested and in custody"

"That's my boy!"

"The doctor allowed me to visit you ..."

"For real?"

"For real. I can be very persuasive. Although I'll look like an astronaut and they'll be short visits."

"More than I could have expected. Thanks Danno! "

"You're welcome. I see you tomorrow."

"Okay"

* * *

Steve sighs and puts his phone on the bedside table. Closes his eyes for a moment, but the phone starts ringing again. Without looking at the screen, he answers, "McGarrett."

"Steve?" The unmistakable voice takes him by surprise.

"Catherine?" He asks, "Are you okay?"

"Yes. I'm still in Kenya ... I had some free time and I decided to call to find out how are you doing." The voice is heard far away.

"I'm fine. How about you?"

"Fine... We've finally shut down the entire Masari and Asad's organization and the Somali terror cell, and we recovered all the depleted Uranium from another two deposits."

"Those are great news, Cath ..."

"Yes, it took me two years to finish with them and it really feels good ..."

"Yeah, I guess." Steve takes a deep breath, trying to contain a new wave of nausea.

"You're voice sounds weird ... are you okay?" Catherine asks, worried.

"Yes ... I'm just tired. It's been a hard week." He pauses and asks, "And now? Where will you go?"

"I have a new assignment and my plane departs in two hours. That's why I wanted to call you ... Those two free hours are almost a luxury, these days."

"Listen Cath ... Maybe, if you have a few days off when you finish your assignment, you can ..."

"I'd really like it, Steve ... I promise I'll make a space and I'll call you. Maybe we can meet halfway ..."

"I'd like that," he replies, sensing the call is about to end.

"Listen! Say hello to everyone for me, will you? And you can also call me from time to time, okay?"

"I'll do. I promise ... Hey ... Stay safe, will you? "

"I will, Steve. I always do ... Hey, they're calling me ... I have to go. See you soon Sailor."

"Bye Cath ..."

After finishing the call he remains pensive for a while, smiling at the irony. He doesn't know whether to attribute it to the effects of the medication, but he feels depressed. When he said goodbye to Catherine a few months ago, they agreed to be friends, deciding that friendship was more important to them than anything else. And he felt good about that, at that moment ... but now, he feels frustrated. The old feelings emerge in his mind and merge with the current situation. Damn it! He is alone…

Well ... if he's completely fair, he's not. He makes an effort to remind himself he's not ... It's not fair he feels alone. Not when Danny is doing everything possible for him to be okay, when his team has taken turns to stay with him, probably sacrificing time with their families.

His mood rises and falls dramatically, like those swings and seesaws in children playgrounds ... At times he feels an uncontrollable anger and frustration ... other times he feels infinitely sad ... and sometimes he thinks of his  _Ohana_  and an immense gratitude invades his heart ... This is crazy! That's why he hates drugs. Forces himself to sleep. So maybe time will pass faster.

* * *

_The wind stirs the sand around him. The blades of the helicopters that take off and land, form swirls that seep into his eyes and throat, but strangely he doesn't feel like coughing. Sunglasses protect his eyes, but they form circles surrounded by sticky sand around them._

_Fighting against the wind, he walks towards a small oasis that is about ninety yards from his position. Upon arrival, the weather changes drastically. A small pond, surrounded by some date palms and patches of green grass and rocks peek out from the sand. The penetrating smell of wet grass floods his senses. Relieved, he leans down and dips his handkerchief in the crystal clear water, to soak his face and hands. Water drips down his neck soaking his shirt._

_He drinks a few sips of water and sits down, letting the new peace that surrounds him permeate under his skin and fill him inside. Suddenly, he hears some steps and a tall figure stops next to him at the edge of the pond. Steve looks up, but the sun's rays dazzle him and he's unable to identify the man._

_When he looks down, sees the unmistakable military boots hiding tightly the lower edges of camouflage pants. Although he doesn't feel any threat, Steve stands up and then recognizes him. The laughter, grave and sincere, springs from the depths of man's chest._

_He's the same as always, just as Steve remembers him ... His hair cut short, his cheeks reddened by the sun, the rifle hanging from his shoulder, the tattoo on his forearm and the smile illuminating his face and reaching his eyes. Steve stares for a few seconds at that familiar and loved face. Then, he takes a timid step forward and the man envelops him in a strong hug._

_"Smooth Dog!" Exclaims. "It's been a while!"_

_Opposite emotions crowd and mix in Steve's throat that can only mumble. "Freddie!" As the sobs press against his chest, struggling to get out. After several minutes, finally his breathing slows down and the crying stops. "Freddie ... How?"_

_"I don't know man ..." Freddie answers. "I've watched you in recent years and there were times when I wanted to tell you so many things, but I couldn't ... but today, I walked here and saw you."_

_Quietly, Steve looks at his friend, trying to figure out what to say, then simply says "I'm sorry ..."_

_"What are you sorry for?" Freddie sits by the pond and begins to untie the straps of his boots, a moment later, sighs in happiness as he dips his bare feet in the cool water. Steve sits next to him and then realizes that he's barefoot, imitating Freddie, puts his feet in the water._

_"I'm sorry for leaving you there ..." his gaze is lost among the colored pebbles that accumulate on the small shore._

_"Brother ... you have to stop doing that!" Freddie has placed his hand on Steve's forearm and squeezes it gently. "You have to stop blaming yourself for everything what happened, for your men's lives ..."_

_"They were under my command ... They were my responsibility, Fred! So was you."_

_"Yes ... but we all knew what we were facing, we were all adult men who made adult decisions, and we all risked our lives, day after day, just like you." Freddie has dipped his right hand in the water, and draws small circles that grow gradually. The ripples move on the surface of the pond and move away from them, until they reach the pond borders. "Guilt grows like the ripples in the water, Steve. If you look good, in the end they vanish, but water remains. It's time, brother ... It's time to let go of the blame and allow you happy memories of all of us ... You're stuck and guilt doesn't let you enjoy the life you have now ... You have a brother, you have family, friends ... Allow yourself to enjoy them Steve, because nobody deserves it more than you."_

_Steve stares at the waves on the bluish-green surface that emits luminous flashes as it reflects the sun's rays. A few seconds later, he looks up and his eyes meet those of his friend that convey a sense of peace. Freddie says, "You have to start accepting what others can do for you, Steve. You're so used to being the pillar of everyone, the man who helps everyone who needs it, but who doesn't allow himself to need anyone ... Please, let Danny help you, he can do it ..."_

_Steve sighs and says, "You would liked him, Fred. He's a great man, a great friend and a great father ... He's a little like you ..."_

_"Just a little louder ..." Freddie says with a loud laugh. "I like him, Steve. He's always there when you need him to support you, or to kick your ass when you're a stubborn idiot ..." Hearing him, Steve smiles and nods, acknowledging the truth in his friend's words._

_At that moment, Freddie stands up and extends his hand to help Steve to get up while saying, "There is something else ..."_

_"What's that?" Steve asks, intrigued._

_"Talk to your mother, Steve. You can't completely free yourself if you don't do that... Would you talk to her?"_

_Steve hugs Freddie again, a couple of tears roll down his cheeks, but he feels strangely calm, softly whispers, "I'll try, brother, I promise."_

* * *

The irrepressible sensation of nausea attacks him again, and he opens his eyes trying to reach the container placed on the night table, on the side of the bed. After several painful retching, he sits on the bed, his face is beaded with sweat. He gets up and walks laboriously towards the bathroom, pulling the metal support with wheels from which IV bag hangs.

Moments later, presses the toilet button and goes to the sink, looking at himself in the mirror. He's pale and emaciated, but he looks better than he did a couple of days ago. Grateful for that, he rinses the container several times and begins brushing his teeth vigorously. The menthol flavor of the toothpaste helps to eliminate the remains of bile.

Suddenly, the chills invade his body and he slowly returns to bed, lying on his side. He covers himself with the blankets and hugs his knees, trembling intensely.

* * *

Danny puts on the protective suit and enters the room. There's a large thick glass window that divides the space in two. On one side, a couple of chairs and a table with a lamp are the only furniture. On the other side of the glass, Danny can see the bed, a high table with wheels and the bedside table. Beyond, the open bathroom door.

At first, he can't find Steve and assumes his friend is in the bathroom, but after a few seconds he finally sees him. Steve is curled up, lying on the bed in a fetal position. Despite the blankets that cover him, Danny can see he's shaking. Quickly, looks at the nurse who says: "I'll call the doctor ..." and leaves the room.

Danny goes to the glass and presses the intercom button embedded in the wall. "Steve?" He says loudly.

The man straightens up in the bed and looks towards the glass. "H... hey, D... Danno!"

Danny says, trying to hide his concern, "Wow! You don't look very well The doctor will come at once ..."

A few minutes later, Dr. Heelanu, wearing a suit very similar to Danny's, enters the room carrying a syringe in his hand, presses a couple of buttons next to the door that opens with a sharp beep, the doctor enters the room closing the door quickly behind him. Goes to the bed and starts checking the vital signs monitor and the IV drip, "How do you feel, Commander?"

Steve answers in a choked voice "N... nausea and I'm cold".

The doctor says, "I'm going to change the medication for nausea, which will also help with the chills. How long have you been like this?"

"I ... I don't know, it's been a while".

Quickly, the doctor injects the contents of the syringe into the IV and leaves the room. Seconds later, tells Danny. "Maybe it's better you wait outside, detective. The medication will take a few minutes to take effect and then you can return and seize the short time of the visit."

Danny presses the button and says "I'll be back in a few minutes, buddy ... Is that okay?"

"O... okay"

Twenty minutes later, Danny enters the room again. Steve is sitting on the edge of the bed, he looks calmer and he doesn't tremble anymore. Presses the button and says, "Hi again, buddy. Do you feel better?"

Steve nods slowly and says "This is horrible! … I'm sorry…"

"Stop apologizing! Steve," Danny says, "soon you're going to feel better, buddy. The doctor says nausea and dizziness will disappear in a couple of days."

"Yes ... soon" Steve says, resigned, then clears his throat and says "We have a very short time and I don't want to talk about my discomfort ... How's everyone, Gracie and Charlie, the team?"

"Fine... Everyone's fine ..." Danny answers.

Steve looks at Danny and asks, "And you? ... "

"I'm fine, I talked to Bridget an hour ago. Dad will start the new treatment tomorrow."

"Good ..." Steve says, nodding "That's good". After a couple of seconds, says casually, "Catherine called yesterday evening..."

Danny feels his shoulders tighten, but he doesn't say anything. Steve continues "She was in Kenya, waiting for her flight. She finally closed the case of Asad. Now she's who knows where in a new mission."

Danny nods and asks "Did you tell her?" Steve shakes his head. Danny squints and says "Of course! How would you? The last time you two agreed to be friends, Steve. Don't you think she should know?"

Steve again denies and says, "What's the point, Danny? She's on the other side of the world and can't do anything. Telling her means only worrying her about something she can't solve. Also, as you said, I'll be out of here in a couple of days and in two weeks I'll be like new."

At that moment, the nurse enters the room and says, "I'm sorry, Detective. The visits shouldn't last more than a few minutes. " Danny nods, turns his head to look at Steve and says, "I have to go. If I don't follow the doctor's instructions, I won't be allowed to come back, okay? "

Steve agrees with a slight expression of sadness and says, "Okay ... Thanks for coming Danno".

"Anytime, buddy."

Danny leaves the room without being able to avoid feeling a bit of frustration. Resigned, begins to take off the protective suit and leaves the hospital. Twenty minutes later, he gets into the Five-0 headquarters, walking directly to Lou's office, who looks up from his computer and asks, "What's wrong?"

"Lou, I need you to do something for me ..."

"Of course, what do you need?" The captain gets up intrigued.

"Four months ago, when Catherine came to the island. Did she leave a phone number where we can locate her? "

"I think so ..." After a few seconds trying to remember, Lou pulls out a piece of paper from the top drawer of his desk and gives it to Danny asking, "Hey buddy, does Steve know you're thinking to call her?"

Danny shakes his head, looking at the yellow paper in his hand, raising his head and seeing Lou's worried expression says, "Don't worry ... just trust me, I know what I'm doing." He takes out his phone and dials the number. A few seconds and three ring tones later, the well-known voice of Catherine answers "Rollins ..."

"Catherine ... is Danny."


	8. Getting better

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> In this chapter I try to explain the reasons for Steve's brief relative isolation. All the information in this regard, was provided by a radiologist. But if you want more information, you can go to the webpages of the American Cancer Society, or the Radiological Society of North America.
> 
> For the purpose of history, these three days of isolation helped Steve to finish his process of introspection and make some transcendental decisions for his life.
> 
> Thanks for read and comment

**THE BIG C**

**Chapter 8: Getting better**

"Catherine ... Is Danny."

"Wow, Danny! This is a surprise!" Catherine greets Steve's best friend, with some caution. She knows the man still resents her for the way she left and all unfinished things with Steve. Even during Catherine's last visit to the island, Danny had managed not to appear at Five-0's headquarters despite he was on the island.

"It is, isn't it? ..." Danny answers, "Listen, I know you talked to Steve yesterday. He may be willing to kill me for what I'm going to tell you, but I think you should know."

"Danny ... You're really scaring me, what is that?"

"I guess you found out about what happened a couple of years ago with that bomb ..."

"Yeah ... Steve told me about that ... He also told me about radiation poisoning ... What's wrong, Danny?"

"Look, Catherine. Maybe Steve had his reasons for not telling you, but I understand you both decided you would be good friends again. He has not told me anything yet, but I know him maybe like no one else, and it is probably, at this moment, he needs a friend like you ..."

A momentary silence travels over the telephone line, until she says, "A friend like me? Danny, I'm not sure how to interpret that ..."

He begins to explain, "Listen, there's no an easy way to say this. A few days ago, Steve was diagnosed with thyroid cancer ..." A sharp thud is heard on the phone. Catherine says in a soft voice, "Oh, God! No!".

Danny rushes to say, "Easy, girl. Take it easy! Apparently, the specific type of cancer he had, is not so aggressive. In the surgery, the doctors removed the entire tumor and the thyroid. They tested him and, according to the doctor, the cancer had not expanded. Now he's in the hospital, with a radioactive iodine treatment. In a couple of days he'll be at home, then he will have two weeks of rest and that's it."

"What do you mean when you say that's it?"

"It means that he won't require another type of treatment. They will do some periodic tests to control him, but, once he leave the hospital, it's over." Danny listens to Catherine's deep sigh.

"Danny ... I appreciate your call very much, I do... but why do I have the feeling that you didn't just call me to tell me this?"

"Look, Catherine. I guess it's what we can expect, but Steve has been somehow... a bit depressed. I had to force him to talk to me and tell me what's going on. Although he has not told me a lot, I can deduce he's trying to solve some issues in his life, and maybe you can help him with one of them ... Tell me one thing, is there any possibility that you two…?"

"Actually, I don't know, Honestly Danny, for now, I don't think so. Steve and I ended fine last time we saw each other, we talked a lot and the grudges ended between us ... I think we should go slowly and see what happens, we both have a lot to do and wounds to heal, there's still a lot of pain and for now, I can't and I don't want to leave my job. What I do is important, Danny, and Steve knows it."

"I know, but ..." Danny starts talking again, but she interrupts him. "I can't go to Hawaii right now, Danny. I'm starting a new assignment. But Steve and I agreed that, as soon as I finish this, we're going to meet to catch up."

"I know, and he knows you can't come. This is not about that, I'm just asking you to trust me, Catherine. Maybe you can talk to him and tell him you know about the whole thing. If I'm not wrong, he needs something, something only you can help him with ..."

"Do you think?" She asks, not really knowing what Danny is talking about.

Danny clears his throat and says, "You know him ... I'm his best friend and probably the person he trusts the most, and it's even hard for me to get him to open up his soul, but I know him well and I know there's an idea hanging around his mind ... Just do me a favor and call him. Can you do that?"

"I will, Danny. Should I tell him what you told me? ... He won't like it," she says, trying to soften the tone of her voice.

"I know, but I'll take care of that, I'll go see him in a while and I'll tell him everything I talked to you. You can call him tonight, okay?"

"You're a good man and a good friend, Danny ..."

"He taught me how to be one ... Thanks Catherine."

* * *

Danny goes back to the hospital, a couple of hours later, and a pleasant surprise awaits him, when he enters the room after putting on the uncomfortable suit. Steve is sitting on the bed, eating some chicken soup. The color begins to return to his cheeks and he looks less tired and depressed. He even greets him with a smile "Hey Danno!"

"Chicken Soup? Really" Danny asks, trying to contain the laughter.

Steve laughs and Danny can see that the expression reaches his eyes, "It's the first time in more than a week, I don't feel nauseous at the time of eating, that medicine is almost miraculous. So, as far as I concern, this chicken soup is the best delicacy I've ever tasted! "

"I'm glad to hear that, buddy ... Hey Steve, the visit is short and I have to tell you something."

Steve frowns and the spoon stops halfway to his mouth, squints when he notices the child punished expression in the face of his friend. "What did you do, Danny?"

"I spoke with Catherine ..."

Danny expects Steve to be angry, or to scream. However, to his surprise, his friend sighs, puts the spoon on the table, closes his eyes and smiles, "I'm not surprised ... Somehow I knew you would."

"You mean you're not angry?" Danny asks without hiding the surprised tone.

"No ... in fact, I was thinking about what you told me and I think you're right, you and Freddie are..."

Now Danny is more confused than before, "Freddie?", he asks. Steve shakes his head, and says, "It's a long story that I'm going to tell you later ..."

Nodding with his head, Danny asks "In which way, exactly, Freddie and I are right?" Steve raises his head and looks at Danny saying, "Danno, I think it's time... It's time to start letting my friends help me ..."

Danny smiles and says sarcastically, "Wow! That guy Freddie, he's a wise man!" Steve laughs out loud for a moment and then replies, "You both are, buddy. Both of you". A smile of complicity is drawn on the two friends' faces, who, as usual, understand each other without needing to say more words.

* * *

Steve has slept a couple of hours, until the vibration of his phone wakes him up. For the first time in a long, long time, there are no nightmares tormenting him, nor strange meetings with those who have gone. He closes his eyes again, trying to go back to sleep, but the phone vibrates again. Straightens in bed, stretches out his arm to take the phone, presses the button and says, "McGarrett".

"Steve, Is Cath ..."

"Hi Cath!" He greets her.

"You don't seem surprised ... then I guess Danny told you we've talked."

Steve tries to suppress a yawn and says, "Yes, he did."

"Why didn't you tell me, Steve?" She asks with a slight reproach tone.

"It didn't make sense, Cath. You are far away and you couldn't do anything. Also, one more day and I'm going home."

"Do you want me to believe that if the cancer had been more serious, then you would have called me?"

"I don't know ... probably not," he confesses. It's nice she called. Since his  _'conversation'_  with Freddie an idea has been growing in his brain and Catherine is the only one who can help him ..."

Catherine begins to speak apologetically, "Look, Steve. You know I would like to be there with you, but at this moment, I can't go to Hawaii. The new assignment is difficult, because the group we're tracking has more tentacles than an octopus, but I promise..."

"No Cath. For now, you need to be focused and not distract yourself, because that can bring so many problems. We'll have time to talk about everything we need to talk about. But now, I want you to know, really, I thank you for calling."

She changes her tone, feeling more relaxed, "Danny told me that you probably need my help ..."

Steve straightens up in bed, sometimes he can't help but be surprised by how well Danny knows him, "He told you that?"

"Yes. He told me he was not sure, but he thought there was something I could help you with. Is that true, Steve? You need my help?"

"To tell the truth, yes, Cath, I need your help ..."

She says with conviction, "Whatever you need, Steve. If it's in my power, count on it!"

"Cath ... I need you to help me locate my mother ..."

The silence takes over the line, so much so that Steve assumes the call has ended abruptly, but soon he hears Catherine's breathing and a few seconds later she says, "Listen ... it won't be easy but I'll try to find her. The last time I heard about her, She was in Europe."

"Do what you can, Cath ... I can't ask you anymore," he replies sympathetically.

"Are you sure that's what you want, Steve?"

"Yes, Cath. This tumor thing, made me understand that I can't continue postponing that conversation any longer ... Fortunately, the cancer was not serious, but I'm scared what would have happened. Maybe we wouldn't had enough time to fix it. I really need this, Cath, and I think Doris needs it too."

"Should I tell her...?" Catherine asks.

"No, if you don't feel comfortable with it, but I think telling her would help Doris to understand why I do this."

"I'll try, okay? But I want you to be prepared if I can't find her or if she's on an assignment that doesn't allow her to contact you, okay?"

"Look, Cath. I understand, but it's the only thing I can do. The rest will depend on her, if she wants to see me and talk, she'll do what she has to do ... "

"Okay. I'll call you when I get something…"

"Thanks, Cath…"

* * *

Sunlight enters generously through the window, awakening him. Yawning, he takes his phone to check the time and smiles. Is it 11:00 am, really? He can't remember when it was the last time he slept twelve hours, probably since he was a child.

The breakfast tray is on the table. He sits on the edge of the bed and reaches for the glass of orange juice, drinking a long swallow with delight. He feels strangely relaxed and happier than he had felt in a long, long time. It's as if, suddenly, most of the huge, invisible weight he was carrying on his shoulders, was gone.

Slowly, without daring to make sudden movements, leaves the glass on the table, gets up and walks to the bathroom. This is incredible! The man in the mirror is completely different from the one who looked at him only two days ago ... After washing his hands, he returns and sits back on the edge of the bed for breakfast.

Holds the fork and takes a bite. The insipid food passes easily through his throat, without causing discomfort, but still, he eats slowly and drinks his juice, enjoying the sensation, free of nausea.

Dr. Heelanu gets into the room, wearing the uncomfortable protective suit, surprised to see his patient so cheerful. "Good morning, Commander!"

"Good morning, Doc!" Steve greets with good mood.

"I must say I'm surprised at your quick recovery." The doctor says, as he reviews the IV and vitals.

"It's good to hear that, Doc. Does that mean I can go home tomorrow?" Steve asks, hopeful.

"If everything is as we expect, yes. This afternoon we're going to do some tests to check the amount of radiation your body emits and a blood test. If everything is fine, you can go home."

"Excuse me doctor, I still don't understand well, How it is possible? Does my body emit radiation?"

The doctor answers, "It's a question that most patients ask me. Most of the radioactive iodine that has not been absorbed, leaves the body during the first two days after treatment, which is why contact is restricted. Each patient is different, but this period almost never exceeds five days. I'm going to ask you to limit the prolonged physical contact for a couple of days, just to be sure. But definitely, hugs and handshakes will be allowed!..." Dr. Heelanu smiles at Steve's reaction. He knows physical contact is important for patient's optimal recovery.

"In case you need to travel, I will give you a document that will explain your radiation levels. Radiation detection devices used in airports and federal buildings can be sensitive to radiation levels present in patients, even up to three months after treatment. Although in your case, the treatment was brief, so I don't expect that to happen, at least not for a long period. Later I'll come back with the list of recommendations and the medicines that you will have to take ..."

"Will there be many meds?" Steve asks, with an angry expression.

"Not many. Mainly, you should continue taking your anti-rejection medications. Since you no longer have a thyroid gland, you should take a dose of levothyroxine every day upon waking, at least one or two hours before eating or drinking anything. I must warn you that, since now, you must take it permanently. We will continue with the medication to control nausea and dizziness, for a few more days. For two weeks, you will remain at home, at relative rest, and should minimize your intake of salt and foods high in sodium and iodine."

Steve nods, while trying to assimilate everything the doctor has said. When the doctor sees the confused expression, says, as he goes to the door, "Don't worry, commander. I will give you all this in writing." A few seconds later, the doctor leaves the room.

* * *

Danny's visit that afternoon has been different. The detective is happy for the transformation occurred on his friend's mood. It's true they still have to overcome the enormous challenge of keeping the restless SEAL at home for two weeks, but Danny is willing to do whatever it takes to make his friend fully recover.

When he's about to leave, the nurse gets into the room, to take Steve to perform the necessary tests to free him. This time, Danny's mood is completely different. He feels hopeful.


	9. Healing old wounds

**THE BIG C**

**Chapter 9: Healing old wounds**

"Radiation levels are in the expected range, Commander." Dr. Heelanu says with a smile, as he reviews the results of the test. Steve can barely contain his excitement and asks "Does that mean ...?"

Heelanu nods, "Exactly! You're going home." He gives Steve a printed sheet with instructions to follow during the next few days. "I'll be back in a few minutes to give you the release papers," he says, making a sign to the nurse, who approaches and begins to remove the IV line and all the wires from the vitals monitor.

At that moment, a loud snore is heard coming from the recliner, Steve smiles when he looks at Danny, who is waking up, with his hair disheveled and his eyes glazed with sleep. The previous night, when they knew the preliminary results of the radiation test, the doctor decided it was safe to take Steve back to a regular room, and Danny insisted on staying for the night.

The breakfast tray arrives at the usual time. Steve takes the glass of orange juice, and begins to drink it in small sips. While Danny begins to rant as usual, to see the small portion of food. "How do they suppose a patient can survive with this? When you get home, I'll make sure you eat properly and, of course, not these tiny portions."

At that moment, Dr. Heelanu enters the room, and smiles from the door at Danny's diatribe. "On the contrary, detective. Small portions help prevent nausea and discomfort. And, for a few days, Commander McGarrett's food will be restricted. "

"Did you hear, right? Forget pizza with pineapple for some time."

"In fact, no pizza, with or without pineapple." Now the doctor laughs openly. "As I told you, you should restrict your sodium or iodine. Forget the seafood for a couple of weeks and minimize the salt or fat intake. Fruit smoothies are ideal, salads, small portions of pasta, fresh cheese, chicken or lean meats." Danny frowns as he hears the menu, and says," None of that should be a problem, in fact, it looks a lot like his usual eating regimen."

The doctor begins to review the medication list and gives Danny a plastic bag with several jars full of pills. "I understand you have already started with the levothyroxine this morning, is that correct?" Steve nods. "All right! remember that, for no reason you should stop taking it, understood?" Steve takes the sheet of paper and begins to read: Most of the information is what the doctor had said the previous day. "Wait at least an hour, before taking the other meds or eating any food. Continue with the same dose of the anti-rejection medication. It's probably the nausea and dizziness appear occasionally, but will gradually disappear, so take the pills for another week. Doses and instructions are printed on the bottle labels. Do you have any questions?"

Steve shakes his head as he continues reading, but Danny hastens to say "What about the exercise, Doc?"

"I recommend you to reduce your physical activity for at least the first two weeks. Then you can gradually increase it, you can start with some cardio and swimming. I'll see you in a month for your first follow-up appointment, okay? "

Steve nods, gets out of bed and shakes the doctor's hand affectionately. "Thank you, Doc ... For everything."

"You're very welcome, commander. Take care of yourself, please "Dr. Heelanu leaves the room and Danny hurries to follow him. In the corridor, he says, "I have a question Doc. You said he would have periods of depression and sudden changes in mood, but today he looks really good. He is very cheerfull, actually."

"Yes, detective. In patients who faced cancer, there may be times when their mood declines; this may be due to several factors, such as chemical imbalance or pain in the area of the surgery. Of course, these factors gradually disappear, but there is also the psychological factor. I will recommend a specialist who provides psychological support, but the most important thing is he feels the support of all of his family and friends."

* * *

Twenty minutes later, Danny and Steve go out through the main door of the hospital. On the street his Ohana is waiting for him. Gracie and Charlie run to and embrace him lovingly, shouting "Uncle Steve!"; Tani approaches and gives him a kiss on the cheek, saying, "You look good, boss ..."

Junior approaches him and both give each other a hug, "Sir ... I'm glad you're getting better," the young SEAL says timidly.

"Thanks Junior ... How's Eddie?" Steve asks, smiling.

"Excellent, sir ... I've put him to work out and he's already in shape again."

Lou gives Steve a box of malasadas and says "Hide them, they are only for you, brother. I'm glad you're with us again," a sincere hug accompanies the captain's words.

Kamekona and Flippa hand him a huge plastic bag, saying "This is for you, to get rid of the terrible food and the small portions of the hospital, brah! You're thin and you need to eat!"

"Thank you Big Guy!" Danny says, taking the bag from Steve's hands, "But I'm afraid there will be no shrimp for him for two whole weeks."

"Bah! The doctors don't know anything ..." Flippa argues, grimacing.

Jerry waits in his green Van, with the back door open. After giving Steve a hug, he says, "Come on, boss. We will take you home."

* * *

They spend the afternoon at Steve's house, eating, laughing and decompressing the tension accumulated in the last week. The children play on the beach and Steve is happy, sitting on the couch, looking at each of them and feeling grateful.

His eyelids close and he feels tired, he looks up, looking for Danny, who is talking to Lou by the kitchen counter. At that moment, an uproar from the beach, catches everyone's attention. Apparently, Charlie has finished building a huge castle in the sand and everyone comes out to see it. Steve takes advantage of the distraction and climbs the stairs, heading to his room. Still dressed, he collapses on the bed, exhausted, falling asleep a couple of minutes later.

When he opens his eyes, darkness surrounds him. He doesn't know where he is and suddenly, feels a great concern. Straightens up quickly, but immediately regrets. He feels a deep dizziness and the familiar nausea presses his stomach. After realizing where he is, walks to the bathroom and kneels in front of the toilet.

* * *

All team members and friends have gone home, Danny is in the kitchen, cleaning up the mess. Grace and Charlie watch a movie on television, lying on the couch. At that moment, Danny listens to the bathroom door close loudly, and quickly goes upstairs to control Steve.

"Steve?" Danny knocks on the door, but all he can hear is a couple of moans coming from the bathroom. Again he knocks on the door and says, "Steve. I'm going in, buddy." When he opens the bathroom door, he sees Steve, sitting on the floor, leaning against the wall with his head tilted back. His eyes are tightly closed and his forehead is covered with sweat.

Danny moistens a towel and bends down, to wipe Steve's face. The man says between moans, "Danno. I think I forgot to take the pills for the nausea..." Danny smiles and helps Steve to get up. He takes the bag with the meds and after carefully reading the labels, takes out two capsules from a yellow bottle and put them in Steve's hand. "Come on, buddy, let's go back to bed so these meds make his magic." They walk slowly, Danny arranges the pillows helping Steve to lie down. After a few minutes, the man is deeply asleep.

* * *

It's been exactly six days, twelve hours and fifty-four minutes since he came back from the hospital and Steve is deadly bored. All team members have come to stay with him from time to time, but inactivity is killing him. As he watches, for the umpteenth time, the Astros beating the Dodgers in the seventh game of the World Series, his phone starts ringing.

Looks at the screen and sees the picture of Danny holding a smiling Charlie with his face full of chocolate ice cream. Presses the button and answers, "Hey Danno!"

"Hello mate. How do you feel?"

Steve answers without being able to contain a big yawn, "I'm fine ... a little boring really, but I feel good. How about you?"

Danny tells him, unable to hide the concern in his voice, "I'm good. Listen Steve. I have to go to Jersey for a few days. "

Steve straightens up on the couch, instantly worried. "Is your dad, Danny? Everything is fine?"

"Yes, everything is fine... apparently, the new treatment is working. Mom says he's better and has more energy. He has decided he wants to talk to all of us and spend a few days with the whole family, so I'll take Grace and Charlie with me." At that moment, Eddie comes up and climbs onto the couch, settling on Steve's lap, who starts to scratch him the head, behind the ears.

"Okay. When do you leave?"

"Early in the morning. The flight departs at 9:00 am. Hey Steve, it won't be more than three or four days. Lou and the guys will keep you some company."

"Don't worry, Danno. Mary is here and I'll be fine. Say hello to the family for me, okay? "

"I'll do it. Try to follow the doctor's instructions and don't do crazy things while I'm away "

"Yes mother. I'm going to be a good boy. "

* * *

Steve hears a couple of knocks on the door. Confused, he starts to move Eddie but Mary comes out of the kitchen saying, "I'll go". She looks surprised at the unexpected visitor, who leaves a couple of backpacks on the floor and extends the arms. "Mom?" Mary says in a choked voice, as she hugs Doris. Eddie has come down from the couch, and runs through the terrace doors towards the beach. Steve gets up slowly and waits.

Doris looks at Steve and slowly gets into the house, when she's close to Steve, places a hand on his cheek, caressing him slowly, unable to contain a couple of tears that escape from her eyes. "Hi mom!" Steve greets her in a low voice. Suddenly, deep sobs erupt from Doris' throat and Steve pulls her close to wrap her in a tight hug. Doris desperately tries to catch her breath, but she can only say, in a choked voice "Catherine called me… I'm sorry, Steven ... I'm so sorry!"

"It's okay, Mom! ... I don't want to do this anymore ..." Steve says, while gently stroking his mother's back. She pulls away a couple of inches and, frowning, asks "What?"

Before Steve can answer, Mary says, "Why don't we sit down? I think we have a lot to talk about."

Mary sits on the couch, while Steve and Doris settle on the couch. Eddie approaches again and drops himself onto the carpet, next to Steve's feet. Doris asks, "What don't you want to do anymore, Steve?"

He answers, with a determination in his voice that he didn't have for a long time, "I don't want to know who did what to whom?, mom. I don't want that every time we see each other, we use the little time we have to blame and apologize to each other. I want to fix things. I want to have a relationship with you and you have a relationship with me and Mary. I want us to be a family again." Steve pauses, to dry his eyes with the back of his hand. Mary and Doris cry openly.

"I've wasted a lot of time hating you, mom ... and I don't want to do it anymore! Hate is a poison that has not allowed me to live, and I've decided, mom... Now I want to live. I want to love my family and my family loves me. No reproaches or regrets."

"I want that too, Steven. I want my kids back, I want to give them back everything I took away from them ... Maybe it's too late, but I want to try."

* * *

For the next three days, Steve, Mary and Doris have had time to catch up. They have talked, cried, laughed and argued. They have spent the afternoons, sitting on the beach, watching the ocean, reading or learning new magic tricks. Steve feels in peace. The last obstacle to reconciliation with his own life has been defeated. He doesn't deceive himself by thinking Doris will stay or everything will be perfect from now on, but he feels hope returning. A hope that had escaped from his hands, once twenty-six years ago.

Mary is sitting with Joan in the sand, making figures with the stones obtained on the beach and Doris is in the kitchen, making some tea, when Steve's phone starts to ring on the terrace table. He takes it and, after looking at Grace's picture on the screen, he answers. "Hey Gracie! It's late, You should be sleeping, right? "

Grace's voice sounds muffled, "Uncle Steve ... I ... Oh God!" Steve can hear the slight sobs. Worried, he gets up and asks, "What's wrong Gracie?"

"It's Grandpa.. Uncle Steve, he had an attack an hour ago ... He's dead!"


	10. Better to beg forgiveness

**THE BIG C**

**Chapter 10:** **Better to beg forgiveness…**

_Grace's voice sounds muffled, "Uncle Steve ... I ... Oh God!" Steve can hear the slight sobs. Worried, he gets up and asks, "What's wrong Gracie?"_

_"It's Grandpa.. Uncle Steve, he had an attack an hour ago ... He's dead!"_

"Uncle Steve ... Danno didn't want me to call you ... But he's so sad! ... Please don't tell him I called ... " Suddenly, Grace's voice sounds like that scared little girl sitting on that garden bench, when he promised to her, once a few years ago, he would bring his father back, no matter how much it cost.

Trying to make his voice sound comforting, he says, "I think he'll find out anyway, Gracie, but don't worry, I won't tell him anything. Don't be afraid, kiddo. We're going to solve this, okay?"

"Okay ... Thanks Uncle Steve."

"You're welcome, Gracie. I love you"

"I love you too".

After finishing the call, Steve feels a deep sadness. He drops himself into the chair and starts looking for a contact number on his phone, a minute later, the man answers. "Heelanu ..."

"Doc ... it's Steve McGarrett ..."

"Commander, what can I do for you?"

"I need to travel to New Jersey, but I thought I should check with you ..."

The doctor hesitates, but, knowing his patient's stubbornness, asks, "Let's see ... How have you felt these days?"

Steve answers honestly, "Physically, fine. I have had some episodes of nausea during the first few days, but they have almost disappeared."

"And your mood?"

"In general, good. But I don't like inactivity... I've always been somewhat restless and, for now, I'm deadly bored."

The doctor laughs and asks, "I can understand that, That's why you want to make this trip?"

"No ... Listen, Doc, Detective Williams' father just died of cancer tonight. His family lives in Jersey."

"Oh! I'm sorry to hear that! ... Okay. If you have felt good, I don't see why you can't travel, as long as you take it easy. When are you planning to leave? "

"Tonight, if possible"

"Well, double the dose of the nausea pills, just for this time, and take the other medications in the usual way. Remember to take the letter about the emission of radiation with you, so you don't have problems at the airport."

"Okay, Thanks Doc."

"You're welcome, Commander. Please tell Detective Williams I'm sorry for his lost."

"I'll do…"

After finishing the call, Steve gets into the house and starts looking in his phone, the schedules of the next flights to Jersey. Quickly, he finds a direct flight to Newark, which departs at 10:10 pm. Before buying the ticket, he calls Eric.

"Hey, Commander!" The restless young man answers the phone.

Steve hesitates, when notices the boy's cheerful voice, "Hey Eric ... by the tone of your voice, I guess Danny has not called you yet..."

"No, why?"

"Gracie called me a couple of minutes ago ... I'm so sorry Eric ..."

The boy's tone changes "It's grandpa, isn't it?"

Steve says in a sad voice, "I'm afraid so ... Your mother or Danny should call you soon ... Listen ... I'm about to buy my flight to Jersey, but I thought you might want to go with me ..."

"Whoa, whoa. Are you sure of this? You're in recovery, man ... Maybe you shouldn't travel for now."

Steve smiles, noticing the adult tone in a usually unreflective Eric, "I just talked to the doctor and he told me there's no problem with that ... Listen Eric, let's not waste time ... we both know I've decided to go and it won't be very easy to convince me otherwise…"

The boy sighs and says "Yes ... I figured. Okay, I'd like to travel with you ... Thank you."

"You're welcome; I'll buy the flight tickets. The plane departs at 10:10 p.m., it would be better if you hurry up and I'll pick you up at 8:30, okay?"

"Okay, I'll see you then ..." Steve hurries to say. "Hey Eric ... Maybe it would be a good idea that, when Danny or your mom call, don't tell them I'll travel with you ... Danny might get a little angry."

Eric laughs and says "I understand ... it's better to beg forgiveness than ask permission, right?"

"Correct! ..." Steve answers.

After a brief discussion with Mary and Doris, who, of course, try to dissuade him from traveling, Steve goes up to pack some clothes. Twenty minutes later, he gives a brief hug to Doris and Mary, telling them "I'll be back in a few days ... I'll call you, okay?"

"You better, brother ..." Mary says, her voice is threatening.

Steve throws his backpack in the back seat of his truck, gets in and starts the engine. Saying goodbye to his family with a wave of his hand, he leaves, heading to Eric's house.

At 9:15 p.m., Steve turns off the engine of his truck, at the Honolulu International Airport parking lot. He and Eric take their backpacks and start walking towards the terminal. Half an hour later, they are sitting on the plane, after spending a few minutes at the checkpoint and showing the security guard the letter signed by Dr. Heelanu, explaining his radiation levels and the absence of risk to the other passengers.

Finally, after an endless flight of almost ten hours, the plane lands at Newark Liberty International Airport. Almost forty-five mintues later, they get into the rental car and Steve, guided by Eric, leaves the parking lot. The kid's phone has vibrated constantly with text messages, since the plane landed, "At what time is the funeral service?" Steve asks, after looking at his watch.

Eric answers, "Mom told me it's going to be at 3:00 p.m. Grandma insisted she want it be quick, the family didn't want to delay it any longer." Steve sighs, hoping the traffic will allow them to arrive on time.

* * *

That morning, time seems to pass in slow motion at Williams family home. Bridget and Stella are sitting at the kitchen table, drinking coffee. Their eyes are red and swollen from crying. They look up when they see Ted coming in, saying in a low voice, "Everything is ready ... As your mother asked, all the procedures have been accelerated and the funeral service will be at 3:00 pm, this afternoon. Stella pulls out her phone and says, "Eric must be still on the air, but I'll send him a message so he can receive it as soon as he lands ..."

At that moment, Danny gets into the kitchen and drops himself in one of the chairs. His face reflects a mixture of sadness and concern. When Bridget notices her brother's mood, she asks, "What's wrong, Danny?"

He sighs and says, "It's Grace ... I think this really affected her, so I'm worried ..."

Stella tells him, "It's normal Danny, it's about her grandfather, why are you worried?"

"She's sitting on her bed, with her look lost. I haven't seen her shed a single tear, and she doesn't say anything ... I tried to talk to her, tell her it's okay to cry, but ... the only thing she tells me is she's not a little girl anymore, and big girls don't cry".

Bridget nods sadly and asks, "Do you want me to talk to her?" Danny denies in silence. After a few minutes an idea comes to her mind and she asks, "Did you tell Steve... I mean, about dad?"

"No ..." Danny answers, shaking his head.

"I don't understand, Danny. Steve is your best friend, why don't you call him?"

"Because I know him, Bridget. And he would come without thinking twice. He's convalescing and can't travel for now ... I'll call him this afternoon, after the service." The two sisters shrug, but don't say anything else.

* * *

It's a cloudy afternoon in Jersey. When Steve and Eric arrive at the cemetery, the service has already begun. The priest speaks aloud, in front of a large group of people who have gathered around the coffin. Steve wears a navy blue suit without a tie and, despite the reluctance of the sun to lean out, a pair of sunglasses covers his eyes. He stays behind, resting timidly on the trunk of a medlar, which casts a faint shadow on the green carpet of freshly cut grass. Some early flowers adorn the lower branches, Steve cuts a small bouquet and holds it in his hands.

Eric walks further and stops next to the first row of chairs, where Clara is sitting, with Charlie in her lap, and with Stella and Bridget on both sides. Steve can see Danny, standing on the other side, holding Grace's hand.

Father and daughter wear black; Danny, the expected suit and tie and Grace a simple dress. Steve can't help feeling a twinge of sadness, when he sees Grace dressed in black, in vivid contrast to the cheerful colors she usually wears. Thinks, with anger, in the way death and loss take charge, inexorably to snatch step by step, the innocent happiness of a child.

Danny's face is contracted of pain and Steve feels his heart is broken for his friend. Sadness and impotence take over his soul. The noisy detective is the best man he has ever known and Steve feels a surge of anger at the thought of how cruel life has been with Danny in recent years.

He barely notices when the priest finishes speaking and all the friends and relatives of the Williams family stand up. Steve looks closely at the long line of people forming in front of Clara and her family, to offer their condolences. Slowly, people leave the cemetery, leaving Danny, his children and his family, alone in front of the coffin.

Without letting go of Gracie's hand, Danny approaches his mother and at that moment, everyone hugs each other. The women begin to cry softly, while Eric and Danny try to comfort them. Two steps away, a man Steve doesn't recognize, looks at them in silence, while holding two teenagers by the hand.

Steve stays there, under the tree, watching, not daring to interrupt the intimate family hug, but at that moment, Eric murmurs something to his mother, who turns to look at him. Stella approaches Clara, who also turns her head and starts walking towards him with a determined step.

When Clara comes close to Steve, he approaches and wraps her in a loving hug which lasts a couple of minutes, while she sobs softly. She finally moves away a little and says, stroking his cheek "Steve, you should have let us know you were coming ...!"

Steve shrugs, but says nothing. Stella is talking to Bridget and they both approach them. Bridget hugs Steve and says, "Stella, this is Steve McGarrett, Danny's partner." He hugs her briefly and says, "Nice to meet you finally, I'm so sorry for your dad..."

After chatting for a few minutes, the four of them turn to see Danny, who is standing, staring at the coffin, holding the hand of his two kids. They still haven't realized Steve is there, but at that moment, Gracie turns the head, sees him and makes a heartbreaking cry "Uncle Steve! ... " She runs to throw herself into his arms, crying disconsolately.

Steve hugs her tenderly, stroking her back gently, while kissing her hair. She tells him between sobs, "You came! ... You're here! Thank you so much!" He whispers to her ear "Shhh, I'm here Gracie. I couldn't be anywhere else ... "

When Grace's breathing has normalized, he lets her go and looks into her eyes, drying her tears with a handkerchief, and bends to lift Charlie who has embraced his legs. "Hey, Charlie. How are you, buddy?" He says, while he turns to Danny who is looking at him, standing a short distance away. Slowly, he places Charlie on the grass and comes close to his friend.

When he's next to him, Danny says, "I think I'll keep my scolding for later, because, really, at this moment, I'm so happy to see you here!" They approach and both friends hug each other tightly, while Steve says, "There's no other place I'd rather be, Danno!"

After a few seconds, Steve approaches the coffin and puts his right hand on it for a few minutes, with his eyes closed, then places the small bouquet of white flowers on it and turns around, returning with the family. At that moment, the clouds which, until now, have covered the sky, begin to move, letting the sun's rays illuminate the cemetery.

* * *

The endless parade of guests has finally ended. Only the family members have stayed sitting all together, around the coffee table. Steve is sitting on the couch talking to Clara, next to Grace, who has refused to be separated from him. Bridget and Stella are picking up the mess in the kitchen and Danny is standing, leaning against the wall with a glass of whiskey in his hand, smiling at his daughter who holds the hand of his best friend.

Clara asks at that moment "Are you okay Steve? You're thin and you look a little pale." He smiles and replies "I'm fine, don't worry." But she insists, looking at Danny and saying. "Maybe it would be nice if you show Steve, Mattie's old bedroom so he can rest a little before dinner". Danny nods and Both men go upstairs.

Upon entering the room, Steve leaves his backpack on the floor and sits on the edge of the bed, saying, "I'm not going to ask you how are you, because I'm sure you're not well ..."

Danny sighs sitting next to Steve, "No ... I'm not fine, but I will be, I guess... I hope! I miss my dad, but the hardest thing is to see my mother in this situation, believe me ..." He pauses and says, staring at his friend's eyes, "Steve, I appreciate you have flown up here, I do... but you shouldn't. "

"Of course I should be here, Danno! I suppose your mother and sisters have been leaning on you, but you also need some moral support, brother."

Danny shakes his head and replies, "Yes, but you're convalescent, and your strenght still fail you ..."

"Look, Danny. I talked to Dr. Heelanu and he told me I could travel, okay? Please understand, buddy. You're always with me when I need you. It's time to return the favor. I needed this, Danno, I had to be with you today" Steve leans over to take the bag of meds out of his backpack and starts taking out several pills. "By the way, I noticed Gracie very depressed."

"Yes ... but you don't know the good you've done with your arrival. Before she saw you in the cemetery, Steve, she had not cried ... she had been so absorbed in her thoughts, and she told me something that worried me."

Steve frowns and asks "What did she tell you?"

"She told me, she's no longer a little girl and big girls shouldn't cry."

"That's stupid!" Steve answers, as he begins to take the pills with the help of a bottle of water.

Danny nods and says "It's what I told her. I also told her she need to let off steam and cry, but she didn't ... until she saw you. Thanks, Steve, for loving her so much and for allowing her to love you."

"You don't have to thank me for that, Danno. I'm the one who is grateful. I'm glad she cried at last ... No, wait a second ... that came out wrong. It's not that I'm happy because Gracie is crying, but I'm because she knows she can cry with me."

"Well, superman. It's time for you to rest a little before dinner, if you don't, my mother will skin me alive for keeping you awake. Get some sleep and I'll come to wake you up for dinner, okay?"

"Okay, thanks, Danno!"

"Thanks to you, brother."

* * *

That night, after dinner, Danny and Steve sit on the terrace. Charlie has fallen asleep in Steve's lap, while he tells Danny about Doris's visit.

"Wow!" Danny says, "Catherine really has contacts, hasn't she? I thought locating your mother would be a little harder."

"Yeah, me too."

"Well, how did it all turn out?" Danny asks, taking a long sip of his beer.

"We talked a lot ... I guess we both needed it and Mary was, let's say, the referee. I told her that I didn't want to waste any more time on reproaches and accusations. Apparently, she agrees with that."

"I'm happy for you, Steve. The situation with your mother had been bothering you for years, I'm glad you finally took that weight off." Steve has no intention of having the rest of the conversation revolve around him, so he cautiously asks, "What will your mother do now? Have you guys, already thought about that? ... I mean, the girls are here and they'll take care of her, but I think it would be good for her to spend some time away from here. Maybe a couple of weeks in Oahu will cheer her up. Soon we will open the restaurant, and maybe you would like her to be there ... "

Danny draws a smile and asks, "You mean you think it's a good idea for your mother and mine to meet each other?" Steve opens his eyes a little more and says "Well, actually I haven't thought about it, and, to tell you the truth, I have no idea what Doris' plans are, but maybe they will get along. I mean, we've seen stranger things happen, haven't we?"

Both friends laugh for a moment, but Danny, who has been avoiding asking, and after looking uselessly for the right words, finally decides and shoots, "Why do I feel something else is bothering you?"

Steve denies with the head and says "We can talk about that, later". But Danny disagrees, "We can talk about that right now, too".

The expression on Steve's face changes suddenly. He has never really been good hiding his emotions from his best friend, quietly says, "I don't know, Danno. It's just ... I feel strange."

"Strange, how?"

Steve tries to explain, "It started when I spoke with Gracie and she told me about your father's death, and then during the flight, I had a lot of time to think."

"Think about what?"

Steve shakes his head and says "It's just... it's so unfair, Danno! Your father was a good man, he was a good father, he did so many good things in his life and still ... It's as if we can't control a damn thing... you see? He didn't deserve to die like that, instead I... "

Danny tries to anticipate the thoughts of his friend "You what? Steve."

"I survived ... I beat cancer, but... he... he couldn't..." Steve mutters and a lonely tear slides down his cheek.

"And that makes you feel bad?" Danny asks, incredulous. Steve nods, "It's just that... look at me, Danno. I've done really terrible things in my life. I have in my hands the blood of many people, regardless of the reasons for it. If you knew all the dark things I had to do during the service ... you probably wouldn't even talk to me ... Yes ... I know you're going to say I was following orders, and we fight to defend the greater good, but that doesn't mean anything, when I realize that your father deserved to live... much more than me."

Danny can't believe what he's listening. Puts his right hand on Steve's forearm and tells him, "Listen to me very well, Steven. Because I'm going to say this one time only and I don't want to hear you talk like that again. This is not about getting points, Steven, or about one person deserves to live more than another. Death is part of life; we all have to die, there's no option in it. The only choice we have is how we want to live. I know you have had to make difficult decisions, and often the duty came into conflict with what you would have wanted to do. "

Danny takes a breath and continues "For every life you took away, I'm sure thousands of lives were saved. I know this because I know you, and I know the reasons that led you to serve in the Navy and put your safety at risk, probably every day of your life. I've worked with you for eight years, Steve, and I know you're never guided by a petty interest. You're a good man. The best I've ever known. You're my brother, my kids favourite uncle and I'm sure there are countless people who love you or who, in some way, are in debt with you for all the good you've done. For your service."

Steve has closed his eyes, but he listens carefully to Danny's words, who ends by saying, "You deserve to live and be happy. Don't doubt that ever. There is no one who deserves it more than you ... "


	11. A new beginning

**THE BIG C**

**Chapter 11: A new beginning**

Danny has gone upstairs to help Charlie get into bed. Steve is still sitting on the terrace, enjoying the sensation of the night breeze in his face and thinking about everything Danny has told him. He never thought about himself in that way before. The last days have completely changed the concept of his existence and, for the first time he feels satisfied. He can't stop smiling at the irony. He has faced all kind of dangerous situations and his life has been on the edge for more than twenty-five years, but he has never had to fight a battle like this before. A battle against himself.

Best of all is what this battle has taught him. In recent weeks, he has learned things about himself that he would never have imagined they were there; the same things Danny has always been able to see.

At that time, the family begins to gather on the terrace. The garden is illuminated only by the light coming from the house and by a dozen of small lanterns embedded in the ground that surrounds the green grass, creating a quiet atmosphere, the nocturnal scent coming from the flowers floods his nose. Bridget comes close to him, along with the unknown man he saw in the cemetery. Smiling, she says, "Steve ... This is my husband, Ted." He gets up and takes the man's hand; the handshake is firm and sincere.

Ted sits in front of him and Bridget comes back into the house to bring some drinks. Ted tries to begin a conversation, "So ... you were in the Navy?" Steve nods and says, "Yes ... it's been a long time. I entered the Naval Academy in Annapolis, after finishing high school ... "

"And then?" Ted seems genuinely interested in Steve's military career, but suddenly apologizes for asking, "I'm sorry ... I'm meddling. My father was in the air force. He was a hero ... I wanted to enter, but he didn't let me ... He said the military career had given him great satisfaction, but he had also taken everything away from him, and he wanted something different for me." The man shrugs and says "but I've always regretted not being able to serve my country".

"I understand ..." Steve smiles, "I suppose, in my case, it was something natural. McGarrett family has been linked to the Navy for a long time, my grandfather, my father and now me. I guess I was meant to be."

At that moment, Bridget and Stella leave the house, carrying several beers and a bottle of water for Steve, who nods in appreciation. Everyone sits around the table and Bridget asks, "What were you talking about?"

Ted answers, "Just out of curiosity, I was asking Steve about his time in the Navy."

Steve nods and answers, while Danny and Grace sit on either side of him. "There's not much to tell, actually, I was in Naval Intelligence and when I was twenty-four I joined the SEALs. I was deployed for almost eight years, until my father died; I went back to Hawaii and transferred to the reserves." Grace rolls her eyes and says with a mixture of irony and pride, "Sure ... there's not much to tell ... Uncle Steve is only a highly decorated SEAL and a true hero. You should see the tremendous amount of medals in his office. "

"Okay..." Steve says, blushing slightly, "It's not a big deal, but I'm proud to have served my country ... It was an honor." Ted nods, with a look of admiration and asks, "And then? ... "

Steve replies, "The governor of Hawaii asked me to set up a specialized task force for high-profile crimes, and so Five-0 began. That's how I met Danny ... Although he says I kidnapped him ... "

Danny shakes his head and says, "I'm not saying, Steven ... You practically forced me ... You told me I had no choice." Bridget smiles and says "Yes, but look at yourself now Danny ... When you left Jersey, you thought your life was over. You hated Hawaii, you said you were alone and that all you had was Grace." She makes a pause, turns to look at Steve and ends by saying," Now, you have a life and good friends who would do anything for you." Grace gets up and surrounds Steve's neck with her arms, giving him a loud kiss on the cheek and saying, "Danno and Uncle Steve are much more than best friends. They are brothers".

Ted sighs and says, looking at Bridget with intention ... "They're lucky ..."

Grace runs away from the table, to meet her cousins, who, at that moment, listen to music and play with their phones. Clara sits in the empty chair next to Steve and says, "Grace loves you very much, Steve."

He nods with a smile and says, "I know ... And I love her too. They are my family. Danny, Gracie and Charlie. I don' know what I would do without them. "

She sketches a sad smile and says "I want to thank you, son."

He frowns and asks, "Thank me? For what?"

"For everything ... for being here. For helping my boy in the most difficult moments of his life ... For saving his life." At Steve's look of surprise, she says, "Yes. He told us what you did for him when that man shot him. Not many men could have done that ... "

"He has done a lot more for me, Clara ... He has been with me for eight years and he has saved me in every possible way ... And I'm not talking about just the transplant ... Actually, he's the only one that tells me what I need to hear and kicks my ass when I'm an idiot, which happens most of the time."

Clara takes his hand and, bringing her face closer, until she's only a couple of inches away, whispers, "I'm glad you're recovering ... Danny was really scared about you ..."

Steve smiles and admits, "Yes ... I was scared too."

At that moment, Danny is talking to Bridget in a low voice. "So ... how are things going with Ted?"

"Better ... I think. We've talked a lot these days and I think we're going to try to fix things, to save our marriage. Ted said dad's illness has made him think a lot about us and our family. He said the kids and I are the most important thing and he doesn't want to regret later for having lost us because of his work."

"Wow! I'm happy for you. He's a good man and what you have is a good thing ... I'm glad you decided to fight for it. "

"Yes ... I've also had time to think. Who could possibly say this? These last months, with dad disease and now with his death, have been the most horrible of my life, however, sometimes, the best things usually happen as a result of the most terrible." Danny takes his sister's hand and squeezes it for a moment.

* * *

Everyone has gone to sleep. On the terrace Clara and Steve, are still sitting at the table, they have remained silent, hypnotized by the lights of the lanterns. After a short absence to control Charlie, Danny goes back to the terrace and sits down with them, saying, "Hey, Mom... Steve and I were thinking ..."

"Thinking about what?" She asks.

"We were thinking that maybe you would like to spend a couple of weeks in Oahu ... We're about to open the restaurant and we would like you to be there that day ..."

She looks down and says, "I don't know ... I don't think I'm a good company for anyone at this moment."

Steve takes her hand, "Come on! We can't open the restaurant without you being there to wish us good luck. In addition, the menu is full of the famous Williams family recipes and we need you as an expert to give us your opinion."

Danny takes her other hand and says, "Come on, Ma! ... It would be good for you!."

Finally, she accepts, "Okay. I would love spending a few days with you in paradise."

* * *

It's been a week since the funeral. This morning the sun shines, radiant and a light breeze blows the tops of the trees. The whole family is in front of the house, Danny and Steve put the luggage in the trunk of the car, while the others say goodbye.

Gracie hugs Bridget and says "Don't forget, you will come to Hawaii for the holidays. I want Sophie and Teddie to learn to surf. "

Stella and Eric are by the door. She kisses him repeatedly on the cheek, telling him "Take care of yourself ..." He kisses her and says, "Don't worry, mom. I'll be fine ... I'll call you ", she looks incredulous and he repeats, "I'll call you ... I promise."

Everything is ready to go, Clara leaves the house, saying "We must leave or we will miss the flight." She quickly kisses her daughters and gets into the passenger seat. Danny, Eric and Grace, are sitting with difficulty in the back seat, while Charlie jumps up in his father's lap. Steve shakes hands with Ted, who says, "Thank you ... for everything." Steve smiles and says, "You're welcome ... We'll see you in Hawaii for the holidays, okay?"

"Okay, We'll be there!"

Danny's voice is heard, muffled by the noise Charlie makes at that moment. "Hurry up Steven! ... We're so tight here!" Steve squints, gets into the car and drives down the street a few seconds later.

* * *

The flight has landed on time and everyone goes to the baggage claim conveyor. Danny holds Charlie's hand, who, desperate for the endless flight tells him, "Danno! I'm thirsty!"

Suddenly, a small group of people make their way through the crowd and approach them. Steve immediately sees Lou's tall figure and waves his hand; He smiles when he sees everyone there: Lou, Tani, Junior, Jerry, Mary and Doris.

After picking up his backpack, Steve goes close to his mother and hugs her, Danny and Clara meet with them a few seconds later. Danny tells his mother, "Ma, this is Doris, Steve's mother, and she's Mary, his sister." The women shake hands and Clara says, "It's really nice to meet you at last. Steve is part of our family, and now you are too ..."

Mary comes over and hugs Clara saying, "I'm so sorry for your husband..." Clara just smiles and mumbles, "Thank you".

After greeting everyone Danny says to Jerry, "Buddy... I hope you brought your Van and Lou brought the Suburban, because I just don't think I can squeeze into another seat, for a long, long time!"

Steve stops for a moment, as he watches his Ohana walking through the terminal to the exit. Suddenly, he feels happy. For the first time, his heart doesn't have the sad feeling of belonging to a broken family. For the first time, in a long time, he thinks everything is fine, and the hope of a new beginning begins to take possession of his soul.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> This is the end of this story. Thank you all, for reading; Please let me know what you think.  
> You are so amazing! Thank you so much!


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